today i went to lunch with my usual lunch partner from work. i asked him "how often do you like to hang out with someone that you really like?" and he said "well, you are a girl so it's probabaly more, but once a week is plenty for me, even if i REALLY like them, but i'm a guy so...but hey, aren't you super busy anyway? i mean, hello! you have a total life and stuff.."

he is the voice of reason.

my job just moved last weekend, and my lunch buddy and i used to go to villa corona, get burritos and drive to the tiny reservoir on rowena/glendale for a tailgate lunch break in the back of his truck. now we are in a new location so we are checking out new adventures..30 minutes ago i was driving hunched over my steering wheel, going 15 miles an hour with my purse in my lap while we looked along the sides of the street for a place to find a sandwich. just as we started laughing about how much i resembled a little old lady..there was a deafening honk behind us, and we were passed up by two little old ladies with ratty blonde do's with those wrap-around sun protector shades. as they gave us a dirty look speeding by, we laughed so hard i had to pull over cuz i had tears in my eyes.

i am learning that to truly love someone special to my heart,
i have to let them go and give them the space to be who they are.

having a quiet time.
seems i have been asking for help to slow down for a long long time. whenever a project ends, i start another. not a human being, but a human DOING.
this time it feels real and quiet, inside and out. my thoughts are slowing down, my life is slowing down. the last week i have been waking up at 6:30 or 7 and just writing, reading, or lying there doing nothing. i have quit all outside projects other than work and the evangenitals. the only projects that are going on right now are the ones on the inside, and even that is not so much action, but inaction.
i have been told over and over, when you don't know what to do..do nothing.

what if everything is just okay?

had a great weekend. went to bed saturday night around 8pm, and slept through til 6:30 sunday morning. it's amazing what can be healed while you are dreaming. i ended up calling my neighbor annie at 7 am because she is the only other human i know who is up that early. she said "i am going to the 8am mass downtown that the cathedral, wanna come?"
normally i do not consider myself a religious person, i was kind of raised catholic, or at least went through the motions. but i do depend heavily on God in general.. i have never been to the semi-new cathedral and i love hymns and figured "why not? and i may run into alanna lin perhaps and hear some good stuff.."

there was a lot of rituals i could do without, but the main message for the day was exactly what i needed to hear~
knowing where you are going. road maps, thomas guides, mapquest, google maps, having a friend tell you "follow me, i'll get us there!" and then immediately losing them in traffic, etc.

the message was that in this life, we don't get a map..because we don't need one. there is someone sitting in the passenger seat with us at all times and we are never alone.

i had breakfast with annie, a lunch visit with another dear woman i know, and then spent a few hours helping out on a movie set with a gang of friends who are all in or helping out on a movie written and directed by my friend beth dewey.

last night the genitals got together, we began to write a new song for an animated show in the works. it is a sweet and hilarious muppet-like melody where everyone sings and we laughed all night. it is amazing how much better my life is when i can put away thoughts of the past, worries and fears of the future, take a deep breath and get off of the emotional rollercoaster.
just relax knowing that i am never alone and that i am truly loved.

it seems that the dark clouds in my brain have finally blown away.

today was rollapalooza, we jumped in the huge blow up jumpie thing in the grass, got hugs from the fascinomas, hello fevers and the unpopables, played a great show and saw beautiful art. i took a deep breath and felt happy and loved and among friends. it was like a weight had been lifted off of my soul that somehow got stuck a week or two ago and it was ready to go. i laughed and laughed and it felt wonderful. sometimes i can get real blue, and it is work not to let it take over. alanna lin and i talked about how girls like us get heavy sometimes, and it seems that is should be part of our daily job to swim upstream when it hits and just be happy. it is so important to learn one more time to love and accept who i am, and that i am a wonderful and loving human.
spent the day yesterday at the long beach aquarium with my dad and we have been talking and talking for the last 4 days. he is retired now and we made a pact to start seeing each other every 90 days or so, if i go up there or he drives down.


my daily meditation for today is on the reality that is my life, and that it is good.

i am excited about tonight's show. the CD is done, we have reporters coming, my dad is driving down today from the bay area. i am realizing that i am just plain lonely and soul tired on top of it all. i just read alanna lin's april 10 blog on loneliness and for what it's worth it helps to know that others feel the same way. haven't slept much the last few weeks and my whole body is exhausted. the timing couldn't be better on the whole "taking care of myself" timeframe. it is a slow process to learn how to do it well, taking the day off tomorrow to hang out with my dad and just rest.

should i stop being such a freak in my blogs? i mean, am i just way too fucking honest? is it weird to post how emotional and fearful i can get? should i keep my growing pains and emo rollercoasters to myself? whatever i am going through will pass eventually, everything changes. last night i talked to my mom. i don't speak to her often, there is a lot of old stuff there that keeps me distant from her, but when i can move past that and just talk to her, i remember that she has done a lot of healing herself and that she is actually really great. she reminded me that i have a lot of old hurtz from when i was very very tiny, almost too young to remember. she reminded me that i am adopted and that can be a lot for a little kid to handle and that perhaps it is time to deal with some really old stuff. she reminded me that once upon a time i ran and got loaded and stuffed my feelings for many years and a lot happened during that time. she reminded me that i was a really smart and good kid, and that i have always been sensitive and a little fragile.

"you are a singer honey, and an artist, and your feelings are just right under the surface all the time that's all"

last night, around 9:30pm, somewhere on the 5 between Sun Valley and Highland Park, after working a 15 hour day..something inside of me finally broke

i got home and picked up my journal and wrote 5 words

dear god, i give up.

truly. i'm done. i cried until i felt sick. i called juli and she said "dude, i told you that you were gonna have a nervous breakdown this year!"
we have a funny saying from some self help book or another that says
things are not falling apart..they are falling together

i went bed and cried and cried, i kept waking up throughout the night and my face was wet. i rolled on to my stomach, pulled my knees up under me, and curled in a ball with my face in my pillow i told god i was finished. i asked him to keep me company while i just fall apart. i asked him to help my heart heal. i can't do it anymore. i HAVE to give up. all of it.
i don't know anything anymore. i have to stop trying to figure it out. wondering, worrying, planning, thinking, fearing, obsessing, running.

stop. cry. breathe. heal.

work, friends, family, love, money, security...i give up. i have no idea what god's plan is for me and i cannot try to think about it for one more second or i am going to drive my car off a cliff. no fucking joke.

total surrender

so i am "working" really hard at being comfortable again.
???
i feel like i have been confused for a while now and am trying to just BE.
i am constatly being reminded by people who love me after they listen to yet another round of me trying to understand/accept/justify.
is it me? am i just ungrateful? unable to accept? sit still?

what am i supposed to do? why am i barely meeting my basic financial obligations? i am one of many. we work really hard and it doesn't make sense..i started doing other things on the side, to see if it helps, to see what else i like to do. it is up to me to make change happen, i just don't know what that change is yet. i do know that i am worth the basic comforts of life.
a few years ago i was in an extremely painful living situation, i hid in my room and prayed about my roommates, i wrote in my journal and asked "what can i do to make this situation better?" i tried talking with them, being nice, being invisible, being busy, being available..i tried everything, except moving.
eventually i was asked to leave and i was relieved. best thing that ever happened to me. i see those old roomies around today and i am grateful i live alone.

i keep thinking "perhaps i am uncomfortable because i need motivation, otherwise i would be happy at a desk job forever" juli and i talk a lot about what would happen if we actually let ourselves be great and did work that was worthy of us.

really all of my energies and focus must be on God

then i can put more work into the evangenitals

two things that have not let me down yet.

*funny, i just wrote this then went into the kitchen here at work. a coworker was telling me a completely unrelated story and she said
"sometimes god gives you a push and you need to listen, you have to ask him to illuminate the path and then walk it"

i can change myself..others i can only love.

i realize that i have only been posting once a month. that is about how often i have spent time taking care of myself as well it seems. i am tired and emotional and have the blues that won't seem to shake themselves. i have been mean to people around me and short-tempered with my job, bandmates, life. i am driving myself crazy and pushing folks away. i have been hating EVERYTHING for long periods of time and then happy for short spurts. this is what happens when i stop taking care of myself. my job can't fix it, my guy can't fix it, my friends can't fix it.

i have been told over and over..it is an inside job.

when i get like this i want to run away. go to my dad's house and hide..but my dad sold that house and i can't run. i have to stop and breathe. time to work. real work. inside work. spiritual work. writing work. physical work. work with others. get out of my crazy head work. back to the basics for me. i think way too much and i do not have the skills to fix myself. a little of this and a little of that. what is the magic recipie for health, happiness and wholeness? a trip to the beach and a yoga class with friends? a good cry? help an old lady across the street?

i am a lover, a creator, an artist, a crazymaker.

please god help me to just be.