so i have quit the sex industry and started a new career in the floral industry. but that is not the point.

what i want to say is, today an older man walked into one of my stores. he looked flustered and after looking and hemming and hawing for a very long time he picked out a basket full of carnations with a teddy bear that said "happy birthday". i asked him who it was for and he said "well, we just broke up but i want something just right for her"
i looked him dead in the eye and said "this is nice if you two were coworkers sir, but what are you trying to say? thanks for the good times and goodbye, or i love and miss you, move in with me?"

he paused for a long moment and looked back at me and said
"you know what kid, what is your name? you're absolutely right.
give me the dozen long stem red roses"

i don't even know her but i have a feeling she will say yes.

hope is alive and kicking.

wow.
was i just praying for change?

i am in NY, looks like i will be living here for the entire month of february, and i already have a date with a friend here for valentines day!

life is funny. and it hurts. then it's funny again.

i'm going to bed.

i was a pre-teen vandal.
it started young, i used to shoplift, graffiti, break things etc. i had a sweet kid face and the teachers never believed it was me. i wrote on the walls at home, and then i began to carve things in my bedroom door. i was quiet about it at first but as i got older i would tell anyone off who looked at me wrong, this included teachers, principals, whomever. i spent quite a bit of time either at saturday school or suspended for the myriad of ways i used to express myself.

somewhere along the way i lost this ability in many situations when i most need it. in that very moment when someone just honestly and frankly needs to be told "fuck you", or "why are you (or why am I) even here?" or "you're lame, and what you just said is stupid and mean, and i am too busy for lame, stupid, mean people, call me when you are better" or "what is really going on here?" or "it hurts" or "i really care" somehow i just fold in on myself and get quiet and "compassionate" or "accepting" which in some cases can be other words for scared or "if i am invisible and patient this person will read my mind and realize they are lame, mean, and stupid on their own somehow" it's hard to talk when it really matters the most, when i genuinely care a lot. fear keeps me quiet and things come out sideways, then i end up worse than if i had just spoken up in the first place and the person i get most angry at is myself.

i am just recently becoming aware of this simple oversight of mine which when ignored can cause long term pain and uncomfortability (which is my favorite word that is quite often used but does not really exist). i hope to practice this new/old technique in the future and may or may not use discretion as i become more comfortable with it.

please be patient as i become more honest with myself and others, i wish i had thicker skin.