christmas.

Dear lisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, December 25:

You can spend your time with anyone you want to be with now -- anyone at all. The thing is, this is a day that memories are made of. Choose your companion(s) wisely.

it's almost noon, i was planning on going to agape for the christmas service but i am sooo tired still. soul tired. i have cried more this year than in all my years on this earth it seems and waves of sad still come sometimes but it gets easier and the tears are almost dried up. good god i feel like things are coming out that have taken one hundred years to heal. i wonder about demarcations in time, i have always felt they were important. things like holidays, birthdays, new years..

waiting for the coming of the new year, as if somehow the formal passing of that day will erase the pains of this past year. i imagine that i will wake up new years and say to myself "hello lady, how's about a whole new year in which you stop hurting yourself, huh? if it doesn't feel good or loving for everyone involved (this means especially you too lady), let's try to stop what we are doing and let it rest, okay?"
i pray that in 2006 i will somehow learn to love myself as much as my capacity to love others, i feel it happening but it is a slow process.
i now pray for it to go a little faster.

it's almost over.
this year, the holidays...
just got home from jain and eliot's annual christmas tamale party. i love this party, i go every year. i love that jain and eliot have been married for some 21 years, and equally happy to open their home to so many people, to socialize, to invite their friends over year after year. i sat tonight with some folks that i have an appreciation for, even though we have been through some rough spots this year. to watch myself just BE, to sing and eat tamales, to get out of the way and just enjoy my life. juli and i played songs together, evangina...the guys are out of town for the holidays. we are both sick and we haven't played some of those songs in a while, we only had one mic and we did it anyway, it was lovely and everyone sang along.

last night i went to ikea looking for a bookshelf and ran into a dear old friend i haven't seen in 4 years at least it seems. we passed right by each other and it took me a moment to comprehend, but i turned around and called her name and we had a woody allen moment as we looked at each other. it was a friday night before x-mas at ikea, and whitney houston was singing carols over the loud speaker and we just started laughing. moments like that put everything into perspective. as we stood by the fake furry sheep rugs talking for at least an hour 1/2 about our deepest thoughts and feelings as if we just saw each other yesterday, i realized that time means very little. i have a tendency to get very serious sometimes, and very nostaglic and sad and i hang on to ideas of things that do not exist and forget to just enjoy each moment of my life as it unfolds in front of me.

life just keeps getting different.
i have jumped into the passenger seat and just watch cool shit happen every day.

i have decided that i like people again and have started leaving the house more and every time it gets better and better. trying to go to bed early tonight though, starting a new job tomorrow that will require a bit of travel and again i sit by and watch to see what will happen, but i did just get new luggage and a long wool furry coat! ..on the last job i was only there 3 months and my sweetie boss said "if you don't like this new one, call me and i will fire whoever i get to replace you!"
i am very lucky.

being more my "self" every day. finding out who that is and watching her change and growing to love her immensely. trying to treat myself like the most precious object i have. i am learning what it means when they say "you can't love anyone else until you learn to love yourself".
learning may not be a strong enough word for what is happening, i am feeeeling what it feels like to be a truly precious gift.

guitar lessons start soon and am getting ready to start rehearsals for orpheus so i have watched many versions this week. Cocteau's orpheus, Black orpheus (which made me want to listen to Jobim in Rio..definitely getting the soundtrack immediately). The genitals will be part of that multi-media creation so keep an eye and 2 ears out for it.
life is good, hearts heal, tears cleanse.

i am glad i am one who is not afraid to love no matter what.