christmas.

Dear lisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, December 25:

You can spend your time with anyone you want to be with now -- anyone at all. The thing is, this is a day that memories are made of. Choose your companion(s) wisely.

it's almost noon, i was planning on going to agape for the christmas service but i am sooo tired still. soul tired. i have cried more this year than in all my years on this earth it seems and waves of sad still come sometimes but it gets easier and the tears are almost dried up. good god i feel like things are coming out that have taken one hundred years to heal. i wonder about demarcations in time, i have always felt they were important. things like holidays, birthdays, new years..

waiting for the coming of the new year, as if somehow the formal passing of that day will erase the pains of this past year. i imagine that i will wake up new years and say to myself "hello lady, how's about a whole new year in which you stop hurting yourself, huh? if it doesn't feel good or loving for everyone involved (this means especially you too lady), let's try to stop what we are doing and let it rest, okay?"
i pray that in 2006 i will somehow learn to love myself as much as my capacity to love others, i feel it happening but it is a slow process.
i now pray for it to go a little faster.