so we were on tv today..well, really we were on a set in burbank for Q-TV.
it was fun and exciting, and the fact that we were recording live made it feel like theater. our audience was the producers, art department and lighting staff and they were a part of the end product as well as watching, i like that. they were so appreciative and happy to have us there, it really doesn't take much to thank someone for their time and talent and it is well noticed when people do.

it was nice to have a moment of fun amidst this shade of blue i have been living in. how much longer until the clouds pass? struggling with faith, and the what is the point-ness of things. i remember saying once that i wanted to be in love, but what that must mean is. just. that.
in love.
in it, through it, behind it, filled with it so that nothing and no one can take it away, but i am human, and it is not easy.

i wrote this to a friend on the east coast last night..

dear friend,
today in the car i thought "i don't know what the point is..relationships don't work..work doesn't work..nothing works..i don't know who or what i am or what i want..yesterday i was at someone's home i didn't know. the woman had a jesus picture on the piano and she was simple and sweet and i got so overwhelmingly sad i cried all the way home..i thought..wow, perhaps god is for simple people to feel better.."

i got this back from her..

hello friend,
i think i know what you mean. i believe i have felt that way before. in fact i think i may have been in the fetal position on my floor, having a complete and utter breakdown, when i thought of you. i called you and you came over in your pjs and made me tea and slept in my bed with me. remember? when i look back, i believe that was absolutely necessary. my old belief system had to be ripped from me completely in order for me to be given a new one. that was not an easy process. my life fell apart totally. i was thrown onto a completely different path than i had planned. remember? you were there for most of it. i believe what you are going through is very similar. i believe it has something to do with our spiritual evolution. you are being forced to face and question everything that you thought you were, that the world was, that god was. others cannot really help you in this process. this is between you and your godself. there is an end to the tunnel though. you will come out of this so strengthened and empowered. trust me, i know you will. it seems to be true that it is darkest before the dawn.

i can't stop listening to Neil Young.
just about every song on the Harvest album is tugging at me and i have had it in my CD player on loop for weeks. we used to call it "mental patient", when you listen to the same song or album over and over and over and over...

a combination of things in life topped off with this weather is doing a number on me..i am sad sad sad and i am staying sad until i am not sad anymore.
tired of pretending i am something i am not.

ran into an old bandmate of mine today, i was reminded of a time a few years back when i was sad and he pulled me aside and said "put it into your art lisa dee" and then we would do our special handshake which was to touch fists like wonder twins and say

"iron sharpens iron"
we gotta keep each other sharp...

saturday night..11pm..lisa dee night.

just watched requiem for a dream. sick, sad and gorgeous as i expected. i have been avoiding that movie since it came out. i hate junkie movies. i know too many ex-junkies~live ones and dead ones and i don't really want to see or hear any more stories about it, but I have a special place in my heart for the man who wrote it and everyone kept saying the movie was beautiful and sad and tonight i feel beautiful and sad so i went for it.

took a bath, put on my slippers and settled down for solo sad movie night. i don't think it's over yet, i have a stack of sick dark tearjerkers to get back to after the blog break..

last night on the other hand was evangenital magic once again. old towne pub, rocking set with mandolin and mouth harp..keeps getting better. prior to the show we were crammed in brett's living room running through the set and someone said "remember when this band was only 3 people?"

i must have danced for 2 hours..juli and i finished off the night with a round of ms. pac-man where i made it to the stork level..the blue one!

it is a delicate balance, this sad, heavy dark side of mine and joyful simplistic pleasures...some people don't feel anything, i want to feel it all.

i love this weather, i have said it before but it feels like home.
sitting in a beautiful home on a hill writing a paper for school (well, i was before i took a blog break!)helping a friend with an open house and now i have a crush on this place, it's so quiet here. this morning i had tea and breakfast and spoke with a friend in santa cruz, it's a good life.
learning a little more html and getting much better at putting the word out about this magical little band of ours, i think it is a disservice to not let people know about us. I remember years ago i was too shy to sing in front of anyone, and when i finally did, my friend jimmy walked up to me and said "why are you hiding that from us?"

having said all that lovey dovey stuff yesterday..today i am angry at the whole institution of dating.
it hurts too much..too many phone calls of super awesome girlfriends of mine in pain..too much immaturity in the area of love and romance..the stories i hear are unbelievable. do any of these unions ever last? isn't anyone just kind and honest with each other anymore?

today a friend i have known for 14 years let me know she has been having the hardest time of her life and almost made a choice to end it a few weeks ago but has since been coming out on the other side..she said she had put post it notes up to remind herself that life is good...there is no pain like the pain of love i suppose..she asked me "why do we put up with what we put up with?"
this was my reply..

i, too, am better and worse than i have ever been. thank god for us and for the fact that we are never alone even when we choose to think so.

i love you too lady.

post it notes are great. i am so glad i am not afraid to be a geek, sometimes around people i feel silly, like a self help simple dork and a polly do gooder..but the fact is..we are full of light and life and love and we don't need fixing because we are not broken..we are sane..and the world is insane. it is hard and cold and most people live in fear and we are reacting strongly against that by feeling..and speaking..and loving..and just by being ourselves even if it seems out of the box.

last night at dinner my friend megan's husband said to me.."yeah, we all go out on a limb sometimes and we are always the last to know"

it's okay that we do what we do..love who we love..we put up with what we put up with because we think we can manage it, and we have faith that it will get better...i know i struggle between money, property, prestige, attention, love and security and what i think i "deserve" vs. just loving in each moment without expectations and seeking to love rather than be loved. it seems to be a process of self discovery and Marcel reminded me the other day that i am tough, strong, and have a wealth of experience of things i have walked through that gives me a depth and weight beyond words..but i need to remember that i am also very fragile and act accordingly. i cannot afford to put myself in situations that continually cause me pain. i want to live and love fearlessly but that doesn't mean to keep going back to the empty well while dying of thirst.

that is what i think right now. i am sad, and relieved, and sad, and relieved, and angry, and hopeful, and excited, and sad, and scared, and hopeful, and grateful and just plain alive i suppose.

god bless our little hearts for just showing up for it all.

xoxo
lisadee