i love this human with all my snoopy heart..

i am so glad this week is over..so many changes and grieving of various things..i got so overwhelmed and lonely for a moment i couldn't see any sunlight and there was only clouds. i like clouds, but not in my head..i jokingly told juli i may start writing gothic love songs and she said
"no fucking way dude!" :)

today is sunday and i am having tea and oatmeal and my new place is sunny.
i made it through a hellish week of change. i moved, started new projects, showed up for school and life despite the tremendous pull of self-sabotage and emotional turmoil for which i struggle with regularly. complete exhaustion and the fact that when i am under stress, i always forget to eat and by 9 pm i think i am going to die.
the power of a piece of chicken and a nap is tremendous.
we had a rehearsal friday night, thank god. i told my dad that the only thing that never fails to soothe the soul is a music rehearsal. any kind will do but the genital special love sauce works best. i miss our 3xweek sessions, i think juli does too.

yesterday i walked to the top of mount washington, stopped in at the southwest museum and stood admiring the view and my neighborhood from up there. it was blanketed in fog and it was so beautiful and i realized that my life is really just fine.
my friend marcel always says "unless, of course dear, you have other plans?.."

i am tired. and lonely. and lost.
seems to be the way for me these days.
getting used to it, it's not bad really..being lost..

perhaps there is nothing to find?

tonight is the first night in my new apartment and it is raining outside.

it's nice in here.

so i am moving to the upstairs apartment..more light..bigger kitchen..need a new home to go with my new perspective..

things seem to change all at once. is it because i will sit and wait until the correct overhaul for me presents itself? or is it just the momentum of ball-rolling movement and change just picks up everything in it's path and shakes it up?

little time capsules in my house. books i read years ago, clothes that no longer fit or represent the person i am today, old bottles of perfumes and lotions in smells i no longer like, music i once felt so strongly about, shoes i can no longer walk in, coats only warmly appropriate enough for san francisco but too beautiful to throw away just in case i ever decide to move back..or perhaps end up in chicago or boston someday..pictures of people i no longer see..these things put everything in a new light. i wonder about things i hold on to and why? i fantasize about two lives.
1. i have a tiny place of my own with my most precious posessions and a true love.
2. i have nothing. i drift, and travel, and move..attaching to nothing and no one and truly loving in each moment.

i am sitting in a beautifully lit room in san francisco overlooking 16th street..i grew up here in the bay area and it is always good for me to come home and visit..i am reminded where i came from and how much has happened in life and how important friendships and people are.

my friend shuna's mom just died..i sang in the memorial yesterday..she was an amazing woman..susan gordon lydon..she wrote many books and if you are reading this blog you should go out and buy them now..knitting sutra..knitting heaven and earth..for some reason i can't make the links work today..but once i figure it out there will be links to them..as well as to shu's food blog "eggbeater"... (link! http://eggbeater.typepad.com/)

today shuna and i had breakfast at my favorite restaurant in the mission..i had banana, ice cream and nutella crepes.. :)
life is wonderful again. it is time.

i will be returning to LA unemployed, relaxed and happy. i have a list of things "to do"
*paint my bedroom
*new strings on my guitar
*spend time updating my relationships
*drink tea

lots of energy will be spent on the evangenitals..moving that project along to a new level.

it is time.