this cloudy weather is my favorite. i have said it before, it is like a hug from home to me. which is good because i am tired and a bit emotionally hung over today.
last night at the derby was magic. everyone who played was a dear friend and the whole evening felt good. we are definitely growing as a band and part of that is a little clumsy but is a learning experience. perhaps playing a lot of newer songs rather than "old hits" :) wasn't the best choice? i am realizing that as we grow, and the places we play are bigger, with more people, that some things are going to have to change. last night juli and i discussed some of those changes and we are going to have to do some experimenting. the sound that we have right now with only one mic each is cute for mr t's, and even worked at el cid, but now...
double mics? pick-ups? investing in our own omni dirctional mics?
not sure what the solution is yet and what is right for us but it is getting harder to hear us and when we add drums and more harmonies and the venues get bigger we'll have to work it out.
last night watching and listening to hidden it took me a moment to remember that we have only been playing for 9 months, they have been playing for something like 8 years.
the night felt full of growth and love and some healing that i was really looking forward to, but these things take time and i want answers and solutions now. a difficult spot to be in if you're impatient like me.

i fell in love with fascinoma all over again.
these girls are solid, and just plain good.

found this old picture of my friend mike and i from years ago, he came to the show last night after i called him last minute..

just home from rehearsal with laurie in north hollywood, some place called AMP. i have never actually rehearsed in a place like that although i seem to remember crashing many many places similar a hundred years ago up in the Bay. laurie manages a band called sasquatch. her friends are all hard rockers, pretty down to earth people and she is the toughest girl bass player ever. she got a crew of folks to guest appear and cover budgies first album, with an added cover of her doing crash course in brain surgery and asked me to cover the last two songs on the album. i have been on stage with jazzers, experimental, classical, opera, emo prog-rockers and down home country players but this is taking me to a new place that feels strangely familiar and heavy. in 1987 i was asked to sing for an oakland metal band and was way too shy (it didn't help that they sucked!) so i've never done anything that rocks this hard outside of my solo career in my bedroom! it's really short notice, one rehearsal and we'll probably be a complete train wreck, but..no matter what happens it will be fun.

this morning the phone woke me up at 7:30. i ran into the kitchen to answer it and jumped back into bed without ever opening my eyes once. it was my sister berit calling from santa cruz to tell me that she had a feeling she may have her baby today and she thought.."who do i want to talk to on the day my baby is born?"
my heart filled up and my eyes filled up too and they weren't even open yet.
berit is one of the most special people in the world to me, she is kind and funny and her husband tony got on the phone to tell me a story about how his family is from a long line of scottish gypsies and kings, and then he sang me a song. he has a very heavy scottish accent and my favorite line in the song was "i am in very precious company.." he was home because he thought he had work furlough today but lost count of the days and it looks as though he finished :)
an impromptu bar fight, they happen.
those two are hilarious and loving and accepting of everyone and all of their funny little quirks, i have so much to learn from them. they thought they were too old for a baby, berit is 40 and tony is older than her..but this is how things work. you just never really know what life is going to give you. they are having a girl
rose margo mcallister

going to chinatown tonight to help with some set design for the killsonic show tomorrow. then meeting the genitals up in the hills of mount washington for some good old fashioned practice and perhaps hot tubbin. i know they say you aren't given more than you can handle but i have so much music on my plate this week, spanish to memorize and chords to learn. one of my choral directors called me today and offered to pay me to drive to idyllwild to sing tomorrow night but i am learning to say no, i'm booked. i would have done it for free (well, maybe gas money) i want to do it all..

i love it.

keeps me out of trouble. the killsonic show will be great, we haven't played as a group together in a while and my friend owns a gallery where we will perform. those guys are so talented and there are so many of us that rehearsals are split into two groups/two nights. when we finally get together it is magic.

just found out yesterday that someone else that i really adored killed himself.
he was a good person and a sweet friend to me and for the last 3 years that guy would call me every other month to get real, open his heart, say hello and tell me some truth about his crazy life~booze, knives, fights, jail. hanging out at some tattoo shop in the 909. he really wanted a different kind of life and could have had it but didn't even know where to begin. he knew that i loved him dearly as a friend from afar and that i really did care, even when he was out of his tree, which was most of the time. that's why he kept calling.
they find me.
my first love overdosed last year. he wasn't too bad when i met him but after we split up he went downhill...between homelessness, detox and jail time he would call me to "check in" once or twice a year for about 10 years before he finally died. i am grateful to be someone that the toughest of the bunch feel safe with and heartbroken when they feel beyond help. i refuse. they have to help themselves.
there is a saying "if you want what i have then you gotta do what i do"
my life is truly amazing and i am lucky to be here.

all i can do is listen, love, be me and hope that it helps somebody somewhere.

god bless those motherfuckers. every one.

so last night i ended up at the scene in glendale with my friend laurie watching her roommate's band cover judas priest's british steel album in it's entirety.

need i say more?

it was a fabulous train wreck and i had the best time. ran into my friend kari, should i be surprised? who else would run into people they know at something like that? anyway we laughed and rocked and i must admit that i do know every inch of that album..although i am more of a 70's fan and if we must talk about 80's priest i prefer point of entry or vengeance, and that's where it ends for me...are my roots showing?

from a letter i sent this afternoon..
"just to be still is always the best answer when there is no answer.
today i wish i had thicker skin and didn't feel so sad"

i tried buying shoes but that doesn't work anymore.

hurtz.

ouch.

???

so far in the last week and 1/2 since the show at el cid i have gotten countless e-mails and phone calls about how great the show was. i ran into a couple of girls while on a shopping spree this weekend who i didn't even see at the show and they started going on and on about how great we were..i asked "when did you see us?" and they said "at El Cid!" whoops. i am still having a funny time accepting love and compliments, and am truly struck by how touched people are by us and for those who stop and take the time to express it. the fascinoma ladies are hopefully going to play with us at the derby show and have expressed an interest in "touring" with us. that would be some sweet fun and i would love nothing more. we played a john kerry fundraiser with them last weekend and there were over 300+ democrats there who really enjoyed themselves and by the end were singing along. we finished the set with the ladies version of juli singing cinderella theme while i hum the lullabye tune...and encored with "home". the party was in mt. washington overlooking all of eagle rock. the stars were out and candles lit and the crowd was happy.

for a moment today i was feeling blue and now juli and i are playing on the
sweetheart pet name generator and i can't stop laughing!!!

i woke up very early this morning and met some friends at 7am for coffee and conversation at the tropical cafe. that place has the BEST cafe con leche. this week has been a bit of a rollercoaster and i am overwhelmed to be present for all of it. history, emotion, pride, humility, paralyzing fear, honesty, love, friendship..these things take so much continuous work and you have to be ready. most people aren't ready, this i know for sure. i am only able to handle these things in small doses myself. then i have to stop and have dance breaks.
a woman i have known for many years died last weekend, she was relatively young and i am feeling mortal. it makes me want to stop everything and make sure that everyone MUST KNOW how much i love them and how important their role is in my life, no matter how small.
These friends of mine, the Evangenitals, are really special people. I am quickly learning what life is like when you start having good luck, and wonderful things happen to you. There is a lot of childishness, jealousy and selfishness out there. I am so lucky to be involved with a group of people who just want what is best for everyone, with no financial gain, no push to be first,
no "what's in it for me", no competitive streak. Only loving vibes, good music and friendship.