i am housesitting at my friend max's this morning. she is in NY visiting her grandma and it feels perfect that i wake up in another house on my birthday because i feel like a different woman. the light in her apartment is amazing and it is beautiful here. i listened to my messages and marcel was singing happy birthday on my machine at 6:30 am. i am grateful for the women in my life who are so amazing and loving and have carried me through..marcel, nancy, juli, amy, annie, berit, max, laurie, alanna, jennifer, linda, andrea..to name a few. i feel as if today i should celebrate them. i wish i could plan a dinner party someday for them all to meet, some are in SF, some in LA and as i look at their names i think about how amazing each one is individually and i realize once again how truly blessed i am.

saturday is my 35th birthday. this year has been incredible and emotional and so so painful but it feels like growing and shedding and seeing, really truly seeing. seeing things as they are, not how i want them to be and it is tough. anthony de mello says the most painful thing an individual can do is to truly see.

my friend amy just said to me, "you can't blame yourself for decisions you made while you were asleep..and now you are just waking up and it is beautiful..some people never wake up"

i cannot stay small forever. but growing feels like ripping and tearing and i understand wholeheartedly why people stay asleep.

it is time i realize i am meant for greater things and get out of the way.

i ran away.

woke up saturday. threw a t-shirt in a bag and drove away.

i am in santa cruz. don't want to come back really. it is quiet here. my friend berit and her husband and baby rose live in a little back house and we drink tea. they are sweet and genuine and i am loved. yesterday we looked at boats in moss landing. it is 6 am right now and the birds are singing and i want to send my keys back to LA and have my apartment contents sent to goodwill.

i probably won't do this of course, but to know it is always an option..

i can change myself..others i can only love.

so today i applied for school. it is time. i have been stuck and frustrated and feeling low for a while and i have sought every way i know how to get around it and i am finally realizing that this is the topic that comes up again and again.
so many people tell me "the smartest people i know didn't go to school" or "who cares anything about a degree?"
even my dad, when i told him last night said
"okay, whatever..i don't know why you would want to do that but it's your life"

today i wrote my dearest mentor marcel in SF and she wrote back and said "oh, by the way..i forgot to tell you i graduated on tuesday" she has a son older than me and she has been plugging away at it for a couple of years.
i got choked up when i read her note because the timing is so right.

i was literally reading at a near college level when i was in kindergarten and barely graduated high school with a 1.6 GPA. i just never went, i fucking hated all of it and i thought it was babysitting for teens. i was filled at the time with fear, contempt, defiance, apathy, anger and drugs. when i went back a few years ago for music i sat in front, got A's, leading roles, made friends with all the teachers, took notes, tutoring other musicians, asking questions.
i LOVED it.

i don't want to study music anymore, i did that already. i don't need a music degree to be a musician. i love to read, i love to write, i love to talk and tell stories, i love people and i have found a major that encompasses all of my natural talents and interests, it finally makes sense.

i don't know where i will end up but i have to start somewhere.