i can change myself..others i can only love.

so today i applied for school. it is time. i have been stuck and frustrated and feeling low for a while and i have sought every way i know how to get around it and i am finally realizing that this is the topic that comes up again and again.
so many people tell me "the smartest people i know didn't go to school" or "who cares anything about a degree?"
even my dad, when i told him last night said
"okay, whatever..i don't know why you would want to do that but it's your life"

today i wrote my dearest mentor marcel in SF and she wrote back and said "oh, by the way..i forgot to tell you i graduated on tuesday" she has a son older than me and she has been plugging away at it for a couple of years.
i got choked up when i read her note because the timing is so right.

i was literally reading at a near college level when i was in kindergarten and barely graduated high school with a 1.6 GPA. i just never went, i fucking hated all of it and i thought it was babysitting for teens. i was filled at the time with fear, contempt, defiance, apathy, anger and drugs. when i went back a few years ago for music i sat in front, got A's, leading roles, made friends with all the teachers, took notes, tutoring other musicians, asking questions.
i LOVED it.

i don't want to study music anymore, i did that already. i don't need a music degree to be a musician. i love to read, i love to write, i love to talk and tell stories, i love people and i have found a major that encompasses all of my natural talents and interests, it finally makes sense.

i don't know where i will end up but i have to start somewhere.