last night, around 9:30pm, somewhere on the 5 between Sun Valley and Highland Park, after working a 15 hour day..something inside of me finally broke

i got home and picked up my journal and wrote 5 words

dear god, i give up.

truly. i'm done. i cried until i felt sick. i called juli and she said "dude, i told you that you were gonna have a nervous breakdown this year!"
we have a funny saying from some self help book or another that says
things are not falling apart..they are falling together

i went bed and cried and cried, i kept waking up throughout the night and my face was wet. i rolled on to my stomach, pulled my knees up under me, and curled in a ball with my face in my pillow i told god i was finished. i asked him to keep me company while i just fall apart. i asked him to help my heart heal. i can't do it anymore. i HAVE to give up. all of it.
i don't know anything anymore. i have to stop trying to figure it out. wondering, worrying, planning, thinking, fearing, obsessing, running.

stop. cry. breathe. heal.

work, friends, family, love, money, security...i give up. i have no idea what god's plan is for me and i cannot try to think about it for one more second or i am going to drive my car off a cliff. no fucking joke.

total surrender