so i am "working" really hard at being comfortable again.
???
i feel like i have been confused for a while now and am trying to just BE.
i am constatly being reminded by people who love me after they listen to yet another round of me trying to understand/accept/justify.
is it me? am i just ungrateful? unable to accept? sit still?

what am i supposed to do? why am i barely meeting my basic financial obligations? i am one of many. we work really hard and it doesn't make sense..i started doing other things on the side, to see if it helps, to see what else i like to do. it is up to me to make change happen, i just don't know what that change is yet. i do know that i am worth the basic comforts of life.
a few years ago i was in an extremely painful living situation, i hid in my room and prayed about my roommates, i wrote in my journal and asked "what can i do to make this situation better?" i tried talking with them, being nice, being invisible, being busy, being available..i tried everything, except moving.
eventually i was asked to leave and i was relieved. best thing that ever happened to me. i see those old roomies around today and i am grateful i live alone.

i keep thinking "perhaps i am uncomfortable because i need motivation, otherwise i would be happy at a desk job forever" juli and i talk a lot about what would happen if we actually let ourselves be great and did work that was worthy of us.

really all of my energies and focus must be on God

then i can put more work into the evangenitals

two things that have not let me down yet.

*funny, i just wrote this then went into the kitchen here at work. a coworker was telling me a completely unrelated story and she said
"sometimes god gives you a push and you need to listen, you have to ask him to illuminate the path and then walk it"

i can change myself..others i can only love.