Lisa Dee's Knees

2009-01-05T10:08:00.000-08:00

I am having get togethers at my house more often, seriously.

Sunday a girlfriend of mine came by for tea and a chat, a lovely afternoon.
Then the band folks came over for our 2nd strategic planning meeting for 2009.
It was warm and cozy in my house and Juli brought me a book, Andrea tuned my cello, David reconfigured my igoogle home page and reorganized my itunes library, and Keith did my dishes.
Enough said.
I enjoy having conscientious, kind people in my life, those souls who know what friendship means and how to cultivate and care for it. I made tea and hummus and we made a list of every song in the archive and began determining exact tempo, length, feel, instrumentation etc. Which ones are radio friendly? Which ones need more attention? I fixed a few of my own lazy musical details that had been bothering me for a while and needed some focus. A productive evening, and it felt good.

I am headed out the door to go to Long Beach for a week-long sales and marketing meeting. I love my home but staying in hotels is fun too. We are having a cocktail party on the Queen Mary Tuesday evening and the theme is the TV show Mad Men. Dug around for a Breakfast at Tiffany's dress, an easy find in my costume closet..

2009-01-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

i
love
my
life

Last night 1/2 of the genitals; Juli, David, Keith, and I drove down to San Diego to see Juli and our new manager Sean perform in Cash'd Out for New Years. It was fun, loud, and full of the things you would expect at a bar on the beach in San Diego on New Years Eve. No one spilled too much Jack Daniels on me and Juli was awesome, I am enjoying watching her grow as an artist. Crazy dancing with Keith (again!) we survived the drunken dryhumpfest mayhem and quickly afterwards drove through the night in the fog..beautiful 2 am fog by the way..to Denny's for some late night coffee, conversation and french toast slam breakfast.
Our hotel room in Encinitas (womb 111) was where we awoke this morning to a beautiful New Year and our trip to the Self Realization Fellowship meditation gardens.
Lying on a bench, overlooking the ocean, listening to the waves and my own heart beating I thought

Life is GOOD

Koi ponds, Keith's first love of photography, a gigantic herd of whales passing by JUST as we stood watching, and the spectacular smell in the air. David kept taking deep breaths and saying "the air..it's so clean I can feeel it going in my body!"

Driving home, listening to the radio and all 4 of us singing the oldies (good AND bad) as LOUD as possible in the car, including all the instrumental parts (Jules and I decided that is a great way for us to have vocal rehearsal, to start having late night drives while listening to K-EARTH101 and work on our harmonies together in the car, although David is more of a smooth jazz guy..) freedom, fearlessness, friendship and fun.

It's the way to go.

2008-12-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

I'm waiting for Juli to pick me up..
The Evangenitals are going to Disneyland!!!

Happy New Year
Love Love Love

2008-12-27T23:40:00.000-08:00

Mom is back home now, we had a lovely time.
I kept her out until 1:45am on Christmas eve,
she was enjoying the party and playing along.

These are the things I have been doing since she left..
Rest. Hike. Run. Play(music). Read. Soak. Cook(soup).
Eat(soup). Dance. Listen. Drink(tea). Laugh.

Simple Simple Simple.

2008-12-21T23:14:00.001-08:00

I am not very good at holidays.
Seriously, I can never remember when they are..or how quickly they come up and every year ask countless times "wait..what day is Christmas again..Tuesday? or Wednesday? What day is it today?"
My concept of time is always a bit askew, and honestly I think that every day is important. I guess I just don't usually wait for a holiday or a birthday to tell someone how I feel about them. In fact, the pressure of some sort of expectation of intimacy that is on a calendar causes me just a little bit of uncomfortability (my favorite word that is not actually a word, unless you're looking it up in the urban dictionary..I digress).
Last year Juli forced me to have Christmas, she even made me a stocking at her house and I gave her a cookbook of 1000 vegetarian recipes and some Crocs :) After we opened gifts, I went to my annual Christmas get together at Beth's house in Hollywood, where all of the holiday loners gather and watch every badly edited Christmas slasher film we can get our hands on (although one year we watched Matt Dillon in "Over the Edge"..a classic)

This year I decided to buckle down and do the holidays differently. I went up north to dad's for Thanksgiving and it was so lovely, I have the best dad in the world and we talk on the phone a lot but really don't hang out enough. I then invited my mother down to MY house for Christmas. She just retired 2 weeks ago and is very excited to take the train, I'll pick her up Tuesday. Mom came to visit earlier this year for the first time in 10 years and we had a great time, I took her to see the Cheech Marin collection at LACMA, she is a huge fan, go figure. I love getting older and finally being friends with my mother, I am able to appreciate her more every day. Christmas eve we will go to a tamale party in Highland Park and on Christmas day..the movies (something at the Laemmle though, I think I will spare her "Black Christmas", "Silent Night, Deadly Night" or better still, "Christmas Evil")
I am looking forward to it.

2008-12-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

zen traffic.

I started a new job,
it's been about 4 months actually.
I am enjoying the work, the people, the routine, the creativity, the $$, the meetings, the travel, and strangely enough I have found that I don't even seem to mind the traffic.

It takes 45-50 minutes to get to work in the morning, and 1 to 1 1/2 hours to get home..I just got home.
That is on top of actually working a 9 or 10 hour day.
(I have been equally happy working part-time, close to home and walking..
but that is another story, this one is about traffic)
Last night I was on the phone (in traffic) with a friend in Oakland laughing about how much I appreciate the opportunity to see my city at a much slower pace. How I get to see the lights of downtown in a way that I may miss if I were passing it along at a faster clip. How I like the opportunity to sit still and practice patience, sing to myself, catch up on phone calls (headset!) and just BE THERE.
I have yet to wish I were somewhere else when I'm in it, I seem to have accepted (for now) that it is part of the day and as valuable as any other part of my day.
I looked up possible options; bus, train, bike..but for now this seems to be it.
I have come up with some great thoughts, meditations, ideas, and just plain silence during these times..My car stereo was stolen years ago when Juli and I were on a lunch break at work (elsewhere) and I never bothered to replace it.
I appreciate the quiet time.

For someone who has spent most of her life always wishing she were "somewhere else" I consider this great progress and I am grateful for it.

**the Evangenitals had our 1st strategic planning meeting for 2009 Q1 last night..
I am deeply in love, and there is more to come..

2008-12-17T20:16:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy stay-at-home night. A bathtub night.
An "I'm going to make a pot of soup and read" night.
I remember when nights like this used to frighten me, as if by staying in, I would somehow end up missing the exact moment when I would receive the answer I needed to fix whatever I thought was wrong. (Does that make sense?)
I don't care anymore, or perhaps this is the moment, and I've found the answer.
I couldn't wait to get home in the rain and fill up the tub. I like the sound of my own heart beating in my ears when I lie still in the hot water and listen.
(Has anyone else done that lately?)
Anyway, I am looking forward to hearing it..

2008-12-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

I love to wake up slowly.
To reflect on any dreams, write in my private journal, make tea and check email.
I usually read Iyanla Vanzant's "Until Today" every morning. I find her daily meditations to be the most real and refreshing and she's funny!
Yesterday I woke up sick after a long week of traveling and work, and a long weekend of car repairs, rehearsals and shows. I was able to spend the entire day in bed, something I haven't done in a long time and I realized it had been too long. I think spending a day alone in bed is essential on a regular basis.
Been thinking recently about history, and how if we don't pay attention to it, we usually will repeat it. For me, reflection is key to not repeating my own history.
Just a thought.

The Bessie show was a hit, I have so many talented and darling friends and I was reminded of that Sunday night. Watching Mary from Cobralilies (Monolators) dancing through the crowd playing saxophone made my night!

2008-12-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

I love going to bed early and waking up early. It's quiet in the mornings and this morning was foggy and still. I fell asleep at 8:30 (!) last night, after playing music with Sara for a few hours. We laughed so hard my face hurt, she kept playing guitar and singing like Joni Mitchell and it was inspiring me to play metal bass lines. I am, after all, from the east bay.. :)

Looks like the Bessie bits may come together after all, time will tell. Rehearsing tonight with Mike Ibarra from Killsonic and Cynthia Cynthesizer, a pianist that was referred to me by my friend Arlene from Smells like Flan and Cobralilies. Juli C and I spoke today about possibly incorporating my little Bessie bits into an Evangenitals show one day.

Making tea tonight, eating some dinner before running to Boyle Heights for rehearsal and packing to leave for Dallas at 5 am tomorrow, life is busy but great!

2008-12-06T15:43:00.001-08:00

I'm back..back in the cyberspace saddle again.
It's been almost a year.
I needed a break, a retreat into privacy, silence and self care..

Where to begin?

Today is the most beautiful day I could have imagined.
I awoke to a sunny blue sky, so I put on my all stars and walked out the door, cut through Sycamore park, over the 110 fwy bridge and up the hill to Debs Park.

Sometimes I can get caught up in minutia, and the best way to get a fresh perspective is to literally get a "big picture" view. I sat on the hill above Highland Park overlooking Downtown LA and thought about how much I love my life.

I reflected on each person I could think of. The ones I love, the ones I play music with, the ones I call my friends and even the ones who have challenged me and given me opportunities to learn to take better care of myself and keep growing. I thought of all the things I have done, all that has happened and all the things that are in front of me still to do and I got very excited.
It's overwhelming, this life.

Coming down off the hill I ran over to our quarterly board meeting for Smartgals. New and exciting things to come from us in 2009 and if you are reading this you shall be kept in the loop. By the time I got home the sun was hiding behind the clouds and I am home with tea and slippers. I have my music spread all over and I am practicing as I write this..getting ready for the Bessie show and finally learning to play bass after wanting to for 10 years.
On another note, was listening to the Los Angeles Master Chorale the other day and wondering about that part of my musical life as well, it has been asleep for a while to focus on other things. I may find myself a small practice room to start vocalizing daily again.
I have never stopped wanting to do it all.

My full time lovers, the Evangenitals are gearing up rehearsals for recording a new album and life just keeps getting better and better, if I let it.

2008-01-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

rain.
i like to stay in bed and read in the rain.
movies, long phone conversations with far away friends.
pj's, clean laundry, toast and jam, coffee.
from my bedroom window i can see debs park, and today
the green has a foggy and gray backdrop.
i can hear the train, not the goldline but a real train.
a perfect day for lying about and relaxing.
maybe tomorrow instead.

2008-01-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

work work work.
too much work right now, although it's fun and i am grateful, a lot of people are not working right now. still i prefer art, and music, and my free time to go to the gym and read. for the last few days i have been in bed by 8, i come home and i am exhausted.
i am ready for this busy spell to end.

2008-01-03T06:51:00.001-08:00

weekly meeting of the collaboration foundation last night.
almost the whole road crew was there and it reminded me of some of my favorite parts of our recent road trip. I am realizing why the whole thing seemed so relaxed and easy for the most part. for one thing, ms. sarah p. came up with a brilliant idea of assigning us all one fork, one plate, one cup. you dirty it, you wash it (or not)..at the next stop. what a simple life, a. zittel style. the idea that i had only one place to be, which was wherever i was that moment, only one sleeping bag (thanks, mike!) 2 pair of jeans, one pillow, and one cup, fork and plate.
simplicity. perfection.
once again i have too much, i feel a spring cleaning coming on.

2007-12-31T07:28:00.000-08:00

16 hours until the close of 2007.

i have made a lot of good choices this year and the results are in.

new mediums of art, new explorations of music, new perspectives on love and on work, new creative opportunities and ideas for the coming year, my house is warm and my car is clean, i have seen much of the country this year, the bills are paid and i am nearly debt-free, i have everything i need and the things i want are well within reach, i am ready to try some new things on my own.
it's an inside job.
life is good.
all the time.

2007-10-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Woke up the other day in Albuquerque New Mexico. Yesterday woke up in Austin and watched the sun rise over the Dairy Queen, today we awoke in Houston at 5 am and are headed to New Orleans..
Shot a video at the Grand Canyon, and climbed up on the roof of the bus to ride it over Hoover Dam. Played a show and did a presentation at a gallery in Albuquerque, went to Roswell to look for aliens, then to Carlsbad Caverns..it's amazing out here although 8 in a bus can get tight. But it's a great crew and we have electricity and internet on the bus, so we can stop anywhere and light the propane stove and begin chopping veggies for dinner while digitizing the day's footage and uploading photos!
The people I have met are unbelievable, when they see us and our big bus, and then they meet us and hear exactly what we are doing, they want to help and be a part of it. The idea of micro-collaboration and art/film/music bringing social change on a global level excites them, and everyone has their own reason for what touches them. Whether it's the fact that we are bio-diesel, or the fact that we are just willing to take that risk and try. Whatever it is, they are touched. The other day a woman named Stephanie gave us a dollar, just as a rainbow appeared over the Grand Canyon. We began to sing "rainbow connection" and she started crying and gave her husband a hug and thanked us and walked away.
It was simple, and silly, and sweet.

Life is good, all the time.

2007-08-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

show @ Molly Malone's this weekend. album discussions. t-shirt art. guitar practicing. midnight ridazz clown ride. holly ramos' song writing workshop @ hot mama's. allen's art show @ cafe metropol. farmers market. rehearsal.
there is still not enough time in the day. it's good.

2007-07-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

i miss winter.
this morning i woke up and the sky was white and it was cool.
my favorite weather. when it is like this outside i want to curl up and read with a big cup of coffee and my slippers on.
no sense of urgency to run out and seize the day like when it is sunny. no irritable hotness upon waking like dead of summer in LA wondering what the fuck am i going to wear in 100+ degree heat. i like the smell of rain, and when nature cleans itself and cleans up after us as well. scarves. boots. hoodie sweatshirts, beanies and puffy vests. lentil soup and garlic toast. or a tuna melt with tomato soup.
i'm feeling the urge to stay home and relax today and i know it's because the sky is white and i want to enjoy it.

2007-07-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

listening to dolly parton in the morning i feel as if there is nothing i can't do.

2007-07-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

must..get..exercize..

it helps my mood and my energy, this heat is making me tired and lazy.
summer is nice but i like days when the sky is white and i stay in all day.
i have a lot to do around the house and on the computer, phone calls, e-mails, and loose ends and i want to take a few days off to catch up.

my dad and step mother were down last weekend, they are hysterical. i always think of the Ropers, from Three's Company..always picking on each other and very funny.
i took them downtown to santee to look for wholesale fashions and fabrics, so much fun. next day was family brunch where the two of them told stories and made everyone laugh for 4 straight hours..crazies.

now i am exhausted, but it was worth it.
wish i could stay home from work today and play guitar and send e-mails..

2007-07-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

there are so many decisions to make and none of them to be made right now..

what's that they say, when you don't know what to do, don't do anything?
well i am incapable of doing nothing, but i continue to move forward in action.
jobbie job stuff mostly, i'm gettin offers from all over the map..i keep showing up for interviews and folks are giving me offers..
there is one that i may take, and then tell them i can start on November 1st.
right when we get back from touring, how rock star is that?
then there is the idea of switching careers entirely to a freelance gig where i have more time for music..that would be great.
i used to think i needed more money so i could have $ for guitars, lessons, and peace of mind, financial freedom=creativity.
i am not sure what i believe anymore.
i look back to when i was broke and more creative than ever.
i was also working part time...

los angeles is expensive, and getting more so each day.

the job i have is sweet, they love me and i am good at it.
i could stay for a long time..as soon as i get the courage to tell them i am leaving for 6 weeks in the fall ;-)

so either way i am fine, needs are always taken care of.
life is good. no obsessions, no distractions, no crazymaking.
in the meantime i practice guitar, listen to the makings of our newest album, try to get shirts printed, look into corporate sponsorship from various companies, and try to wear life like a loose blanket..while at the same time not making any major decisions at all.

2007-06-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the perfect day.
juli and i agreed that we could spend every day in a very similar theme and it would be O.K. with us.

i took the day off work, woke up early (after a late night of scrabble) and made breakfast complete with my favorite greek yogurt from Trader Joes and strawberries from the south pasadena farmers market.

at 7:55 am, with bedhead i drove (i know! i am looking at a bike this weekend!) the 6 blocks to the Lummis home where we were interviewed by Fox news and KTLA for the Lummis Day festival this weekend, courtesy of eliot sekuler. we were greeted with a copy of the Pasadena Weekly which had an almost full page photo of the whole band inside! jules and i played Sun is Shining and drank coffee with puppets and stood around with cameras on us all morning until about 9:45, when i then went to shop for a new dress. i went to the gym, and got ready for the Pirates of the Carribean movie at the El Capitan, where i met my sweetie and his whole gang from work. on my way out i saw jules, who was on her way in for the 8:00 showing and i was careful not to discuss one bit of detail about johnny depp's dreadlocks.
after the movie we all walked down to Musso and Frank's for dinner, and i managed to post a few evangenitals pirate stickers in hollywood before i left.

looks like this whole weekend is shaping up nicely.

2007-05-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

i am spring cleaning out my closet, in the literal sense.

forgotten items in the back remind me of a time when..
..the black pants i wore for the first las panchas show at El Cid.
..the cream lacy blouse, or the blue silk one which was a staple for every opera audition.
..the blue wool men's trousers that i moved down here with.
..jeans in a sz 10, or anything in that size rather..hopefully will never fit again.
..silk cowboy shirt? (keep it!)
..rhinestone high heels? hmm...
..old tank tops, bathing suits, shoes in styles as recent as last summer..gone!
..fashions made for me by designer friends who i haven't seen in years..keep?

no hanging on to old things, old ideas, old ways.
time to move forward again.

2007-04-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

life is good..all the time.

picked up my trusty rusty journal again. i realized how much it helps to just flow thoughts on paper to sort things out. picking up the guitar more as well. when i look over my "life list" most of the things on it are music related, gotta keep that part of my life up or i get anxious and squirrel-ly.
i really hate that whole "i am an musician/artist i HAVE to create" crap but..
i really do get bottled up and bogged down quickly when i am not doing something with music and i start thinking i have to move, travel the world, go back to school or something..ANYTHING!

time to go back to the private journal.

2007-04-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid i used to write.
i was in elementary school and i lived completely in a fantasy world, i would write long stories with colorful characters or i would give myself a pen name and then write in 3rd person. i wrote songs and short stories, dreamed up characters that stayed with me for years..it was how i got by, an only child, just living in my made up world.
when my parents house was sold many boxes in the garage were thrown out, some with my kid stuff in them..the stories.

i thought about them today.

2007-04-03T07:30:00.001-07:00

yesterday a recruiter called me about a job.
i have a job i like.
but he wants me to look into something else and i thought "why not look'?
after sending my resume i listened to him describe me to a prospective employer and i thought "wow, did i do all that? i sure do sound good on paper"..
but i wonder what is the thing that i want to do with my time from 9 to 5..
besides to not work at all..and if i didn't work what would i do and why can't i make enough time to do it all now?
music..school..writing classes..travel..
i am beginning to wonder again.
what is the point again? remind me.
if i start to think i want to do something meaningful then i have to ask myself what do i mean by meaningful..does everything have to have meaning? can't the day to day small experiences of life be full of wondrous meaning if i so choose?
and what if i change my mind?
blah blah blah.
breathe.

2007-04-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

last weekend gave me the travel bug..gotta get out again..santa cruz?

perhaps it's time soon to get out of the states entirely..maybe at the end of summer.

2007-03-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

OAKLAND.

i love it.

went for a quick trip home for the weekend, snuck in and out of town for a short visit. there are so many people i wanted to see but to keep my sanity i have to see them only a few at a time.
the air, the people, the way of life..very different than los angeles. it is slower and there is a layer of dirt on it all. drove past my family home, my elementary school, the pizza place where i could buy cigarettes out of a vending machine when i was a 6th grader. saw my friends and had coffee at Peet's where i worked on Piedmont Ave. ate at Ti Couz in the mission and Zachary's on college. went to see a friend's band south of market street and took BART from 19th/Broadway, my old stop.
every time i go back it is hard to leave there again but i am always amazed at what seemingly insignificant things i realize i miss and how the smallest moments mean so much overall.

2007-03-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

planning road trips, booking shows, hiking, running, playing guitar..
cooking good food, cleaning house, dancing in the living room..
netflix, pizza, quality company and sleepytime tea..

life is good.

2007-02-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

i have a list.

things to do before i leave the planet. the list grows and grows and at the same time i continue to check things off as i accomplish one goal to the next.
here is a sample; some completed, some still brewing, some yet to be discovered..

*have my own cute place in the world full of books, music instruments, good food and flowers
*have friends over often for tea and conversation
*sing opera
*play guitar, cello, drums, piano and a handful of other cool instuments like a chinese butterfly harp
*more travel..latin america, europe, africa, asia
*go on a music tour
*study design
*sing on many many albums with artists from every genre
*painting and photography
*work in a bookstore
*obtain a higher education
*speak spanish fluently
*learn to cook main dishes from every country..

the list goes on and on. i was once told i should pick one thing and get really good at it, not sure that is true for me.
i want it all..and i am willing to chip away at it day by day until i am gone.

xoxo

p.s. come see the evangenitals next Sunday the 11th at eagle rock lanes.
show up at 8 and you can bowl with us before hand to get the good family vibes flowing.

2007-01-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

slowly, sweetly, lovingly and honestly we grow and grow and before you know it we are in your spirit and you know all the words and you can't figure out how that happened..and you love us already, the same way we already love you.
the evangenitals.

2007-01-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

once again i am reminded why i do what i do.
why i do it for fun and for free and would do it all day and all night long, no questions asked. i do not get distracted or bored from this or feel like my life is being wasted and i NEVER end up cruising the internet for an escape or a solution..
when i am doing this thing.

2007-01-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

tired..in the best way..worth every minute of it.

life is sweet..more later.

2006-12-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

i think i just went to the best party ever.

the white elephant at Brett and Wanni's house was delightful! fire in the fireplace, lights on the tree and tons of yummy food..the vegans were safe because I think I ate an entire pig last night! there was present stealing and juli brought the hello kitty coffee maker while jeff jones brought the wood block art (?) :)

i happily left with a copy of the Led Zeppelin book, Hammer of the Gods..and truth be told i need nothing else this christmas.

2006-12-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

last night felt like an old school evangenitals rehearsal.

we all got to brett's house (not a rehearsal studio) and watched u-tube videos (thank you patrick and brett!) and looked at our site updates (thank you juli!)and listened to christmas carols (thank you george!) laughed and drank coffee and hung out and created a vibe before we started to play.

i realized that's been one of the missing links recently.
all has been great in evangenital land and we have been playing great shows and doing great work but there was a missing element..the feeeeel.

after fooling around and feeling around the options and moods we ended up creating a medley of covers that had us all rolling on the floor in sheer delight and laughter and we were all truly happy.

this shit just feels good.

2006-11-01T23:20:00.000-08:00

tired. in a good way.
this weather is getting chillier and i like it.
makes me want to stay in and read, make tea and take baths.
life is mell-o and good, i don't need anything..i seem to have it all.
just enough work, friends, music, school, and love to last me every day.
no chaos, no drama, just quiet for a while.
i don't think i am missing anything.

2006-10-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

i have been on the couch for 3 days.

sick.

yesterday i caved in and turned on the tv..something i NEVER do. i don't have cable, only rabbit ears so i had to watch a man in a red pimp suit divorce his wife because she got fat and "if janet jackson can lose the weight..so can she!"
with few options i turned to all my children and i can't believe it's the same cast from when i was in the 7th grade..i started to get dizzy from all the sequins and drama so i turned to an episode of cops which seemed like a drink of real water..for a minute. then i got depressed and turned the tv off and went back to bed, grateful for my life.

i have to get out of the house.

2006-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

i did my first AIDS walk more than 15 years ago in SF.
back then it was still seen as a gay disease in the media and AIDS walk was full of SF freaks and friends, family and supporters of those who were "different"

it was so much fun and there was so much love.

many people dressed up in costumes and wigs and there were folks on roller skates and stilts. the rest stops were "manned" by m2f cheerleaders who urged you along with witty funny cheers and served cookies and lemonade and water.
the walk ended in the park and there was dancing, hugging and tears of support.

times have changed. the walk has turned into a marketing madhouse and it doesn't really matter because the APLA is still good and they have been there since the early years and the money still goes to the right place.
this year one of the top sponsors of the AIDS walk is Toyota. companies sponsor their employees to wear tees and the current top fundraising teams (i just checked) are the hilton family of hotels and coldwell banker. CEOs and file clerks walk in biker shorts and baseball caps and show support for awareness and services for those living with an illness that killed 31 people in 1980, 128 people in 1981..and 25 million people today.
some of my favorite people on earth are living with AIDS, walk with us, everyone is affected.

i got an e-mail from my mom this morning..

Hi Honey,

Well I finally was able to donate to your aids walk and I did it in memory of my brother Chris!

Love you a bunch. MOM

2006-09-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

life is surely good.

i just won a brand new massage table package last night on e-bay. never bought anything on e-bay before and my stellar winnings were compounded by the fun of the last 3 minutes.
like gambling i tell you..and i am not normally a gambler but i can see now how people can lose their homes and loved ones to that shit..it's crazy and my little win was small potatoes!
i placed a bid after work..and then left my house to pick up jules for rehearsal.
when i got to her house i called from the car and said "turn on your computer..i've got about 12 minutes left!!" i ran up her steps and we got on line and just watched.
at 2 minutes til, someone else placed a bid and then all of a sudden it was a bidding war for the last 30 seconds and juli was jumping up and down and yelling "bid again! bid again!!"

i won.
it was all pretty exciting and then we bragged about it in rehearsal :)
life is simple and fun, i saved about $300..
and i am about to be in business.

2006-08-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

August 09, 2006
It's time to do a little personal inventory on your life. Friends, family, romance, work goals ... it's important right now for you to take note of the objective facts about your personal reality. Once you see everything from an impersonal point of view, certain patterns and facts should become obvious. You will be able to get a growing understanding of your situation and be able to make the tiny adjustments you need to make in order to create better balance and harmony in your everyday routine.

objective...reality..personal inventory..impersonal point of view..
hmm, a tall order but much needed!

2006-06-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Thursday June 29
Let forgiveness and charity take over -- the peaceful resolution of a situation may require to you take the high road (yet again). You may not realize it, but you are a role model to many other people. Actions will speak louder than words right now, so be mindful of what you do -- you might want to polish up your etiquette skills a little bit. Younger people in your life are looking to you to set a good example for them, so keep that in mind.

2006-05-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

monday. forcing myself to sit still tonight and do homework. i love it though, who doesn't love reading and coloring and learning? life is full of goodness. sang a few cover songs last night with my favorite ninja, juli came and sat in a chair right in front, then afterwards said "dude, we gotta write a song where you sing lead vocals k?". i visited with an old "flame", and today was kicking ass and taking names at work. tomorrow night is school, which is comprised of a few hours of tai chi, anatomy and bodywork. my b-day is in June, we have a gang of shows in July, I finish school in August.
all channels open...
i like it.

2006-05-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

Dear lisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, May 2:

You've been leading a double life, and while it was exciting at first, lately you may feel that there's a real conflict between these two selves. It's time to look at what you can discard and how to integrate the halves.

..isn't that what i was just saying?

2006-04-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

end of a long weekend. soooo tired and happy. this weekend encompassed many parts of me and i am exhausted from expressing it all.
orpheus was powerful, sexy and heartbreaking..the evangenitals were raunchy, dirty and loud this weekend and evangina was sweet sweet sweet.

i am all of these things at once most of the time and instead of feeling like i should pick one i am slowly releasing into every corner of them all.

2006-04-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

i can't stop playing.

the more i do what i want to do, the less i can tolerate anything else. in rehearsal last night i wanted to play all night, and today at work i was restless! i went to see the betty blowtorch movie at hollywood forever the other night, she was a family member of some friends of mine and it was hard to watch with them but she inspired me at the same time, what a sweetheart.
i have always been told that i do too much, i should slow down..i disagree.
i believe i am doing what i was put on this earth to do because these are the things that feed my soul and it is the quickest and most direct channel to let god out.
fuck being small and making others feel comforatable, fuck worrying that am am not being humble enough by singing and playing and being my big bright beautiful self. as i detach from worries, dependencies and false securities..my world gets bigger and brighter every time.
the money comes, the love is there, every need is already met.

xoxo

2006-04-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

so i haven't written here in a while..what have i been doing?

living life. my plate is full again, a good kind of full, not crazy busy but just one nice thing after another. a lot of settling down. i have taken to going to the farmers market weekly, and started cooking too. been in rehearsals every night and my head is pretty quiet these days. next weekend we have 3 shows..evangenitals, evangina and orpheus. it's funny, i went to a yoga for creativity class the other night and i thought "my life is full to bursting with creativity"

it is what it is, and it's good. i realize can do the same amount of stuff i always have with half the effort and worry.

it was also brought to my attention recently by someone how many little 'tricks' i have to keep people at a distance, i mentioned it to another friend and she said she had always known that about me.
not sure that there is anything to DO about that but notice it.

2006-03-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

the sun came out. love it.
last night was cold, we were at rehearsal complaining about the cold and juli said "you guys are the ones who like those fucking grey days!"
hehe, that is true too. but these days i am ready for sunshine, inside and out. the whole "happiness is an inside job" thing. really seeeeing how we all seek happiness outside of ourselves and how the illusion is that someone or something is holding the bag, and that somehow someone or something is always in the way.

getting out of the way. removing the blocks, the illusions, the muck.

:)

2006-02-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

i am excited about orpheus, i am excited about a lot of things. rediscovering my light and recognizing my power. life is full of opportunity, being truly alive in the face of it all is endless. i am tired of the heavy load, have discovered a new weightlessness and "wearing life like a loose blanket" again, as they say. giving it to god.
making people feeeel things, once again opening up their hearts and loving them until they bleed.

xoxo

2006-01-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

so i have quit the sex industry and started a new career in the floral industry. but that is not the point.

what i want to say is, today an older man walked into one of my stores. he looked flustered and after looking and hemming and hawing for a very long time he picked out a basket full of carnations with a teddy bear that said "happy birthday". i asked him who it was for and he said "well, we just broke up but i want something just right for her"
i looked him dead in the eye and said "this is nice if you two were coworkers sir, but what are you trying to say? thanks for the good times and goodbye, or i love and miss you, move in with me?"

he paused for a long moment and looked back at me and said
"you know what kid, what is your name? you're absolutely right.
give me the dozen long stem red roses"

i don't even know her but i have a feeling she will say yes.

hope is alive and kicking.

2006-01-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

wow.
was i just praying for change?

i am in NY, looks like i will be living here for the entire month of february, and i already have a date with a friend here for valentines day!

life is funny. and it hurts. then it's funny again.

i'm going to bed.

2006-01-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

i was a pre-teen vandal.
it started young, i used to shoplift, graffiti, break things etc. i had a sweet kid face and the teachers never believed it was me. i wrote on the walls at home, and then i began to carve things in my bedroom door. i was quiet about it at first but as i got older i would tell anyone off who looked at me wrong, this included teachers, principals, whomever. i spent quite a bit of time either at saturday school or suspended for the myriad of ways i used to express myself.

somewhere along the way i lost this ability in many situations when i most need it. in that very moment when someone just honestly and frankly needs to be told "fuck you", or "why are you (or why am I) even here?" or "you're lame, and what you just said is stupid and mean, and i am too busy for lame, stupid, mean people, call me when you are better" or "what is really going on here?" or "it hurts" or "i really care" somehow i just fold in on myself and get quiet and "compassionate" or "accepting" which in some cases can be other words for scared or "if i am invisible and patient this person will read my mind and realize they are lame, mean, and stupid on their own somehow" it's hard to talk when it really matters the most, when i genuinely care a lot. fear keeps me quiet and things come out sideways, then i end up worse than if i had just spoken up in the first place and the person i get most angry at is myself.

i am just recently becoming aware of this simple oversight of mine which when ignored can cause long term pain and uncomfortability (which is my favorite word that is quite often used but does not really exist). i hope to practice this new/old technique in the future and may or may not use discretion as i become more comfortable with it.

please be patient as i become more honest with myself and others, i wish i had thicker skin.

2005-12-25T11:30:00.000-08:00

christmas.

Dear lisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, December 25:

You can spend your time with anyone you want to be with now -- anyone at all. The thing is, this is a day that memories are made of. Choose your companion(s) wisely.

it's almost noon, i was planning on going to agape for the christmas service but i am sooo tired still. soul tired. i have cried more this year than in all my years on this earth it seems and waves of sad still come sometimes but it gets easier and the tears are almost dried up. good god i feel like things are coming out that have taken one hundred years to heal. i wonder about demarcations in time, i have always felt they were important. things like holidays, birthdays, new years..

waiting for the coming of the new year, as if somehow the formal passing of that day will erase the pains of this past year. i imagine that i will wake up new years and say to myself "hello lady, how's about a whole new year in which you stop hurting yourself, huh? if it doesn't feel good or loving for everyone involved (this means especially you too lady), let's try to stop what we are doing and let it rest, okay?"
i pray that in 2006 i will somehow learn to love myself as much as my capacity to love others, i feel it happening but it is a slow process.
i now pray for it to go a little faster.

2005-12-25T00:15:00.000-08:00

it's almost over.
this year, the holidays...
just got home from jain and eliot's annual christmas tamale party. i love this party, i go every year. i love that jain and eliot have been married for some 21 years, and equally happy to open their home to so many people, to socialize, to invite their friends over year after year. i sat tonight with some folks that i have an appreciation for, even though we have been through some rough spots this year. to watch myself just BE, to sing and eat tamales, to get out of the way and just enjoy my life. juli and i played songs together, evangina...the guys are out of town for the holidays. we are both sick and we haven't played some of those songs in a while, we only had one mic and we did it anyway, it was lovely and everyone sang along.

last night i went to ikea looking for a bookshelf and ran into a dear old friend i haven't seen in 4 years at least it seems. we passed right by each other and it took me a moment to comprehend, but i turned around and called her name and we had a woody allen moment as we looked at each other. it was a friday night before x-mas at ikea, and whitney houston was singing carols over the loud speaker and we just started laughing. moments like that put everything into perspective. as we stood by the fake furry sheep rugs talking for at least an hour 1/2 about our deepest thoughts and feelings as if we just saw each other yesterday, i realized that time means very little. i have a tendency to get very serious sometimes, and very nostaglic and sad and i hang on to ideas of things that do not exist and forget to just enjoy each moment of my life as it unfolds in front of me.

2005-12-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

life just keeps getting different.
i have jumped into the passenger seat and just watch cool shit happen every day.

i have decided that i like people again and have started leaving the house more and every time it gets better and better. trying to go to bed early tonight though, starting a new job tomorrow that will require a bit of travel and again i sit by and watch to see what will happen, but i did just get new luggage and a long wool furry coat! ..on the last job i was only there 3 months and my sweetie boss said "if you don't like this new one, call me and i will fire whoever i get to replace you!"
i am very lucky.

being more my "self" every day. finding out who that is and watching her change and growing to love her immensely. trying to treat myself like the most precious object i have. i am learning what it means when they say "you can't love anyone else until you learn to love yourself".
learning may not be a strong enough word for what is happening, i am feeeeling what it feels like to be a truly precious gift.

guitar lessons start soon and am getting ready to start rehearsals for orpheus so i have watched many versions this week. Cocteau's orpheus, Black orpheus (which made me want to listen to Jobim in Rio..definitely getting the soundtrack immediately). The genitals will be part of that multi-media creation so keep an eye and 2 ears out for it.
life is good, hearts heal, tears cleanse.

i am glad i am one who is not afraid to love no matter what.

2005-11-24T08:32:00.000-08:00

it's thanksgiving and i just made myself breakfast and am settling into the couch with my favorite green chai yogi tea..gonna break out my 2005 release of the muppet show season one. last night i got depressed after going to a work party and watching my office manager do tequila shots off of his girlfriend's boob job and i thought "isn't he, like, 45?" then someone got kicked out of the party for being seen doing coke in the hosts room and i thought "yup, time to leave folks!" (after i hit the pumpkin cheesecake obviously).

i woke up wondering if i should have gone to the bay area with allison to see family..she wrote to me on myspace last night after i told her the story and she said "in a battle of Us vs. Them, i choose Us 'cause we are awesome" which i agree with wholeheartedly.

but now i am happy to be alone today. gonna do a little writing, not here of course, the kind of writing that i don't post online. supposed to meet up with people later but that goes against my new isolation policy, i'll do it anyway because it's thanksgiving. my shrink says i am calmer than he has ever seen me and that i am learning how to just BE, which is what i was praying for at the beginning of this year so i guess it's good.

giving thanks folks, thankful to be on 'this side of the fence', in more ways than one.

2005-11-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

i am convinced that when this is all said and done and the storm clouds pass i will most certainly be a fucking superhero.

2005-10-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

so we were on tv today..well, really we were on a set in burbank for Q-TV.
it was fun and exciting, and the fact that we were recording live made it feel like theater. our audience was the producers, art department and lighting staff and they were a part of the end product as well as watching, i like that. they were so appreciative and happy to have us there, it really doesn't take much to thank someone for their time and talent and it is well noticed when people do.

it was nice to have a moment of fun amidst this shade of blue i have been living in. how much longer until the clouds pass? struggling with faith, and the what is the point-ness of things. i remember saying once that i wanted to be in love, but what that must mean is. just. that.
in love.
in it, through it, behind it, filled with it so that nothing and no one can take it away, but i am human, and it is not easy.

i wrote this to a friend on the east coast last night..

dear friend,
today in the car i thought "i don't know what the point is..relationships don't work..work doesn't work..nothing works..i don't know who or what i am or what i want..yesterday i was at someone's home i didn't know. the woman had a jesus picture on the piano and she was simple and sweet and i got so overwhelmingly sad i cried all the way home..i thought..wow, perhaps god is for simple people to feel better.."

i got this back from her..

hello friend,
i think i know what you mean. i believe i have felt that way before. in fact i think i may have been in the fetal position on my floor, having a complete and utter breakdown, when i thought of you. i called you and you came over in your pjs and made me tea and slept in my bed with me. remember? when i look back, i believe that was absolutely necessary. my old belief system had to be ripped from me completely in order for me to be given a new one. that was not an easy process. my life fell apart totally. i was thrown onto a completely different path than i had planned. remember? you were there for most of it. i believe what you are going through is very similar. i believe it has something to do with our spiritual evolution. you are being forced to face and question everything that you thought you were, that the world was, that god was. others cannot really help you in this process. this is between you and your godself. there is an end to the tunnel though. you will come out of this so strengthened and empowered. trust me, i know you will. it seems to be true that it is darkest before the dawn.

2005-10-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

i can't stop listening to Neil Young.
just about every song on the Harvest album is tugging at me and i have had it in my CD player on loop for weeks. we used to call it "mental patient", when you listen to the same song or album over and over and over and over...

a combination of things in life topped off with this weather is doing a number on me..i am sad sad sad and i am staying sad until i am not sad anymore.
tired of pretending i am something i am not.

ran into an old bandmate of mine today, i was reminded of a time a few years back when i was sad and he pulled me aside and said "put it into your art lisa dee" and then we would do our special handshake which was to touch fists like wonder twins and say

"iron sharpens iron"
we gotta keep each other sharp...

2005-10-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

saturday night..11pm..lisa dee night.

just watched requiem for a dream. sick, sad and gorgeous as i expected. i have been avoiding that movie since it came out. i hate junkie movies. i know too many ex-junkies~live ones and dead ones and i don't really want to see or hear any more stories about it, but I have a special place in my heart for the man who wrote it and everyone kept saying the movie was beautiful and sad and tonight i feel beautiful and sad so i went for it.

took a bath, put on my slippers and settled down for solo sad movie night. i don't think it's over yet, i have a stack of sick dark tearjerkers to get back to after the blog break..

last night on the other hand was evangenital magic once again. old towne pub, rocking set with mandolin and mouth harp..keeps getting better. prior to the show we were crammed in brett's living room running through the set and someone said "remember when this band was only 3 people?"

i must have danced for 2 hours..juli and i finished off the night with a round of ms. pac-man where i made it to the stork level..the blue one!

it is a delicate balance, this sad, heavy dark side of mine and joyful simplistic pleasures...some people don't feel anything, i want to feel it all.

2005-10-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

i love this weather, i have said it before but it feels like home.
sitting in a beautiful home on a hill writing a paper for school (well, i was before i took a blog break!)helping a friend with an open house and now i have a crush on this place, it's so quiet here. this morning i had tea and breakfast and spoke with a friend in santa cruz, it's a good life.
learning a little more html and getting much better at putting the word out about this magical little band of ours, i think it is a disservice to not let people know about us. I remember years ago i was too shy to sing in front of anyone, and when i finally did, my friend jimmy walked up to me and said "why are you hiding that from us?"

2005-10-10T18:13:00.000-07:00

having said all that lovey dovey stuff yesterday..today i am angry at the whole institution of dating.
it hurts too much..too many phone calls of super awesome girlfriends of mine in pain..too much immaturity in the area of love and romance..the stories i hear are unbelievable. do any of these unions ever last? isn't anyone just kind and honest with each other anymore?

2005-10-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

today a friend i have known for 14 years let me know she has been having the hardest time of her life and almost made a choice to end it a few weeks ago but has since been coming out on the other side..she said she had put post it notes up to remind herself that life is good...there is no pain like the pain of love i suppose..she asked me "why do we put up with what we put up with?"
this was my reply..

i, too, am better and worse than i have ever been. thank god for us and for the fact that we are never alone even when we choose to think so.

i love you too lady.

post it notes are great. i am so glad i am not afraid to be a geek, sometimes around people i feel silly, like a self help simple dork and a polly do gooder..but the fact is..we are full of light and life and love and we don't need fixing because we are not broken..we are sane..and the world is insane. it is hard and cold and most people live in fear and we are reacting strongly against that by feeling..and speaking..and loving..and just by being ourselves even if it seems out of the box.

last night at dinner my friend megan's husband said to me.."yeah, we all go out on a limb sometimes and we are always the last to know"

it's okay that we do what we do..love who we love..we put up with what we put up with because we think we can manage it, and we have faith that it will get better...i know i struggle between money, property, prestige, attention, love and security and what i think i "deserve" vs. just loving in each moment without expectations and seeking to love rather than be loved. it seems to be a process of self discovery and Marcel reminded me the other day that i am tough, strong, and have a wealth of experience of things i have walked through that gives me a depth and weight beyond words..but i need to remember that i am also very fragile and act accordingly. i cannot afford to put myself in situations that continually cause me pain. i want to live and love fearlessly but that doesn't mean to keep going back to the empty well while dying of thirst.

that is what i think right now. i am sad, and relieved, and sad, and relieved, and angry, and hopeful, and excited, and sad, and scared, and hopeful, and grateful and just plain alive i suppose.

god bless our little hearts for just showing up for it all.

xoxo
lisadee

2005-09-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

i love this human with all my snoopy heart..

2005-09-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

i am so glad this week is over..so many changes and grieving of various things..i got so overwhelmed and lonely for a moment i couldn't see any sunlight and there was only clouds. i like clouds, but not in my head..i jokingly told juli i may start writing gothic love songs and she said
"no fucking way dude!" :)

today is sunday and i am having tea and oatmeal and my new place is sunny.
i made it through a hellish week of change. i moved, started new projects, showed up for school and life despite the tremendous pull of self-sabotage and emotional turmoil for which i struggle with regularly. complete exhaustion and the fact that when i am under stress, i always forget to eat and by 9 pm i think i am going to die.
the power of a piece of chicken and a nap is tremendous.
we had a rehearsal friday night, thank god. i told my dad that the only thing that never fails to soothe the soul is a music rehearsal. any kind will do but the genital special love sauce works best. i miss our 3xweek sessions, i think juli does too.

yesterday i walked to the top of mount washington, stopped in at the southwest museum and stood admiring the view and my neighborhood from up there. it was blanketed in fog and it was so beautiful and i realized that my life is really just fine.
my friend marcel always says "unless, of course dear, you have other plans?.."

2005-09-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

i am tired. and lonely. and lost.
seems to be the way for me these days.
getting used to it, it's not bad really..being lost..

perhaps there is nothing to find?

tonight is the first night in my new apartment and it is raining outside.

it's nice in here.

2005-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

so i am moving to the upstairs apartment..more light..bigger kitchen..need a new home to go with my new perspective..

things seem to change all at once. is it because i will sit and wait until the correct overhaul for me presents itself? or is it just the momentum of ball-rolling movement and change just picks up everything in it's path and shakes it up?

little time capsules in my house. books i read years ago, clothes that no longer fit or represent the person i am today, old bottles of perfumes and lotions in smells i no longer like, music i once felt so strongly about, shoes i can no longer walk in, coats only warmly appropriate enough for san francisco but too beautiful to throw away just in case i ever decide to move back..or perhaps end up in chicago or boston someday..pictures of people i no longer see..these things put everything in a new light. i wonder about things i hold on to and why? i fantasize about two lives.
1. i have a tiny place of my own with my most precious posessions and a true love.
2. i have nothing. i drift, and travel, and move..attaching to nothing and no one and truly loving in each moment.

2005-09-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in a beautifully lit room in san francisco overlooking 16th street..i grew up here in the bay area and it is always good for me to come home and visit..i am reminded where i came from and how much has happened in life and how important friendships and people are.

my friend shuna's mom just died..i sang in the memorial yesterday..she was an amazing woman..susan gordon lydon..she wrote many books and if you are reading this blog you should go out and buy them now..knitting sutra..knitting heaven and earth..for some reason i can't make the links work today..but once i figure it out there will be links to them..as well as to shu's food blog "eggbeater"... (link! http://eggbeater.typepad.com/)

today shuna and i had breakfast at my favorite restaurant in the mission..i had banana, ice cream and nutella crepes.. :)
life is wonderful again. it is time.

i will be returning to LA unemployed, relaxed and happy. i have a list of things "to do"
*paint my bedroom
*new strings on my guitar
*spend time updating my relationships
*drink tea

lots of energy will be spent on the evangenitals..moving that project along to a new level.

it is time.

2005-08-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

..God grant me the courage to change.

so i quit my job :)
not sure where i am going yet but i am excited to do something else, anything else really. i have been feeling big changes coming for a long time and i am not sure what is going on but i finally broke down and admitted to myself and others that this is no longer working for me and i am off to a new adventure. the funny thing is, the genitals played brett's housewarming last night and everyone kept saying "wow, you look beautiful..so relaxed!"

i was afraid and trapped for so long..until i let go.

whatever happens will be good. i just know it.

2005-07-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

a lot can happen in a month.

or nothing could happen.

yesterday at breakfast my friend of 7 months said to me "you are so busy!"

i thought "wow, do you even know me?"

apparently not. i have done nothing. or so it feels like nothing. i tried to explain to my friend that although i have been in a whirlwind of healing and have been spending much time on the couch of my new shrink, lying in bed reading a book or singing and dancing in church..all that is busy happening is on the inside. fascinating stuff.

my house is being cleaned. i am learning to be still.

once apon a time i was in full time school..full time work..full time 3 bands, theater and TWO paying singing gigs a week. i ran from one commitment to the next, and stopped somewhere or another on the way home to catch someone's band. apparently it was time for me to stop and take care of myself and there was nothing i could do about it. somewhere deep inside my soul had had enough and it is time for me to start listening.

the last few months have been full time lisa dee.

i read, write, pray, play, cry, laugh, rest.

i am slowly getting ready to add things back to my plate.

a lot has happened in a month.
or two.
or three.

2005-06-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

i am housesitting at my friend max's this morning. she is in NY visiting her grandma and it feels perfect that i wake up in another house on my birthday because i feel like a different woman. the light in her apartment is amazing and it is beautiful here. i listened to my messages and marcel was singing happy birthday on my machine at 6:30 am. i am grateful for the women in my life who are so amazing and loving and have carried me through..marcel, nancy, juli, amy, annie, berit, max, laurie, alanna, jennifer, linda, andrea..to name a few. i feel as if today i should celebrate them. i wish i could plan a dinner party someday for them all to meet, some are in SF, some in LA and as i look at their names i think about how amazing each one is individually and i realize once again how truly blessed i am.

2005-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

saturday is my 35th birthday. this year has been incredible and emotional and so so painful but it feels like growing and shedding and seeing, really truly seeing. seeing things as they are, not how i want them to be and it is tough. anthony de mello says the most painful thing an individual can do is to truly see.

my friend amy just said to me, "you can't blame yourself for decisions you made while you were asleep..and now you are just waking up and it is beautiful..some people never wake up"

i cannot stay small forever. but growing feels like ripping and tearing and i understand wholeheartedly why people stay asleep.

it is time i realize i am meant for greater things and get out of the way.

2005-06-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

i ran away.

woke up saturday. threw a t-shirt in a bag and drove away.

i am in santa cruz. don't want to come back really. it is quiet here. my friend berit and her husband and baby rose live in a little back house and we drink tea. they are sweet and genuine and i am loved. yesterday we looked at boats in moss landing. it is 6 am right now and the birds are singing and i want to send my keys back to LA and have my apartment contents sent to goodwill.

i probably won't do this of course, but to know it is always an option..

2005-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

i can change myself..others i can only love.

so today i applied for school. it is time. i have been stuck and frustrated and feeling low for a while and i have sought every way i know how to get around it and i am finally realizing that this is the topic that comes up again and again.
so many people tell me "the smartest people i know didn't go to school" or "who cares anything about a degree?"
even my dad, when i told him last night said
"okay, whatever..i don't know why you would want to do that but it's your life"

today i wrote my dearest mentor marcel in SF and she wrote back and said "oh, by the way..i forgot to tell you i graduated on tuesday" she has a son older than me and she has been plugging away at it for a couple of years.
i got choked up when i read her note because the timing is so right.

i was literally reading at a near college level when i was in kindergarten and barely graduated high school with a 1.6 GPA. i just never went, i fucking hated all of it and i thought it was babysitting for teens. i was filled at the time with fear, contempt, defiance, apathy, anger and drugs. when i went back a few years ago for music i sat in front, got A's, leading roles, made friends with all the teachers, took notes, tutoring other musicians, asking questions.
i LOVED it.

i don't want to study music anymore, i did that already. i don't need a music degree to be a musician. i love to read, i love to write, i love to talk and tell stories, i love people and i have found a major that encompasses all of my natural talents and interests, it finally makes sense.

i don't know where i will end up but i have to start somewhere.

2005-05-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

today is the day i drive juli to the airport for switzerland. no genital music for a month, but the wheels are still very much in motion. in the meantime brett and i are sending packages, booking shows and planning tours for the moment she gets back. i will also be leaving for chicago on thursday..

last night my guy and i were talking about how important it is to support each others creativity, to inspire and motivate. i think that is the most important thing in any relationship, friendship or otherwise. he just placed "Gasoline" in a movie he edited that made it to outfest. when the festival starts the genitals will be sure to post it and let everyone know!!!

2005-05-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

i made a list of "things i can do to love myself more each day"
and hung it on the wall in my room in case i forget again.

the first thing on the list is smile more
and the last thing is love more..need less

2005-05-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

a woman at work just instant messaged me and told me that i have inspired her. she said she saw me go through a really hard time and turn inside myself for the answers to a lot of my questions and begin to heal.
she decided that she could do that too.

my friend Marcel told me a long time ago "you never know who is watching"

2005-05-03T16:17:00.000-07:00

so i just read my first week's blogs

it is one year later and juli is getting ready to go to switzerland again, and i have slowed my life down to a screeching halt.
i wanted more time to do these things; sing, rehearse, record, read, pray, listen, feel, teach, fight, seek, snuggle, laugh, cry, write letters, taste, touch, play music honestly, and love fearlessly.
i have plenty of time now and it seems i am doing them all 10 fold, although maybe i am not loving as fearlessly as i would like~but i am loving, and i am doing the best i can. this book is helping tremendously..
and this place is quickly becoming my sanctuary.
at the same time i sleep 9 hours every night and i am spending lots and lots of time alone, it is time for my inside to catch up with the outside.

the genitals are in full force and moving forward. we are sending CD's, writing new songs, calling record stores, playing shows, printing shirts, booking tours.
it seems everything happens for a reason and i believe i needed to fall apart to come together to have the foundation within that is needed for this journey.

2005-04-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

today i went to lunch with my usual lunch partner from work. i asked him "how often do you like to hang out with someone that you really like?" and he said "well, you are a girl so it's probabaly more, but once a week is plenty for me, even if i REALLY like them, but i'm a guy so...but hey, aren't you super busy anyway? i mean, hello! you have a total life and stuff.."

he is the voice of reason.

my job just moved last weekend, and my lunch buddy and i used to go to villa corona, get burritos and drive to the tiny reservoir on rowena/glendale for a tailgate lunch break in the back of his truck. now we are in a new location so we are checking out new adventures..30 minutes ago i was driving hunched over my steering wheel, going 15 miles an hour with my purse in my lap while we looked along the sides of the street for a place to find a sandwich. just as we started laughing about how much i resembled a little old lady..there was a deafening honk behind us, and we were passed up by two little old ladies with ratty blonde do's with those wrap-around sun protector shades. as they gave us a dirty look speeding by, we laughed so hard i had to pull over cuz i had tears in my eyes.

i am learning that to truly love someone special to my heart,
i have to let them go and give them the space to be who they are.

2005-04-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

having a quiet time.
seems i have been asking for help to slow down for a long long time. whenever a project ends, i start another. not a human being, but a human DOING.
this time it feels real and quiet, inside and out. my thoughts are slowing down, my life is slowing down. the last week i have been waking up at 6:30 or 7 and just writing, reading, or lying there doing nothing. i have quit all outside projects other than work and the evangenitals. the only projects that are going on right now are the ones on the inside, and even that is not so much action, but inaction.
i have been told over and over, when you don't know what to do..do nothing.

what if everything is just okay?

2005-04-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

had a great weekend. went to bed saturday night around 8pm, and slept through til 6:30 sunday morning. it's amazing what can be healed while you are dreaming. i ended up calling my neighbor annie at 7 am because she is the only other human i know who is up that early. she said "i am going to the 8am mass downtown that the cathedral, wanna come?"
normally i do not consider myself a religious person, i was kind of raised catholic, or at least went through the motions. but i do depend heavily on God in general.. i have never been to the semi-new cathedral and i love hymns and figured "why not? and i may run into alanna lin perhaps and hear some good stuff.."

there was a lot of rituals i could do without, but the main message for the day was exactly what i needed to hear~
knowing where you are going. road maps, thomas guides, mapquest, google maps, having a friend tell you "follow me, i'll get us there!" and then immediately losing them in traffic, etc.

the message was that in this life, we don't get a map..because we don't need one. there is someone sitting in the passenger seat with us at all times and we are never alone.

i had breakfast with annie, a lunch visit with another dear woman i know, and then spent a few hours helping out on a movie set with a gang of friends who are all in or helping out on a movie written and directed by my friend beth dewey.

last night the genitals got together, we began to write a new song for an animated show in the works. it is a sweet and hilarious muppet-like melody where everyone sings and we laughed all night. it is amazing how much better my life is when i can put away thoughts of the past, worries and fears of the future, take a deep breath and get off of the emotional rollercoaster.
just relax knowing that i am never alone and that i am truly loved.

2005-04-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

it seems that the dark clouds in my brain have finally blown away.

today was rollapalooza, we jumped in the huge blow up jumpie thing in the grass, got hugs from the fascinomas, hello fevers and the unpopables, played a great show and saw beautiful art. i took a deep breath and felt happy and loved and among friends. it was like a weight had been lifted off of my soul that somehow got stuck a week or two ago and it was ready to go. i laughed and laughed and it felt wonderful. sometimes i can get real blue, and it is work not to let it take over. alanna lin and i talked about how girls like us get heavy sometimes, and it seems that is should be part of our daily job to swim upstream when it hits and just be happy. it is so important to learn one more time to love and accept who i am, and that i am a wonderful and loving human.
spent the day yesterday at the long beach aquarium with my dad and we have been talking and talking for the last 4 days. he is retired now and we made a pact to start seeing each other every 90 days or so, if i go up there or he drives down.

my daily meditation for today is on the reality that is my life, and that it is good.

2005-04-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

i am excited about tonight's show. the CD is done, we have reporters coming, my dad is driving down today from the bay area. i am realizing that i am just plain lonely and soul tired on top of it all. i just read alanna lin's april 10 blog on loneliness and for what it's worth it helps to know that others feel the same way. haven't slept much the last few weeks and my whole body is exhausted. the timing couldn't be better on the whole "taking care of myself" timeframe. it is a slow process to learn how to do it well, taking the day off tomorrow to hang out with my dad and just rest.

2005-04-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

should i stop being such a freak in my blogs? i mean, am i just way too fucking honest? is it weird to post how emotional and fearful i can get? should i keep my growing pains and emo rollercoasters to myself? whatever i am going through will pass eventually, everything changes. last night i talked to my mom. i don't speak to her often, there is a lot of old stuff there that keeps me distant from her, but when i can move past that and just talk to her, i remember that she has done a lot of healing herself and that she is actually really great. she reminded me that i have a lot of old hurtz from when i was very very tiny, almost too young to remember. she reminded me that i am adopted and that can be a lot for a little kid to handle and that perhaps it is time to deal with some really old stuff. she reminded me that once upon a time i ran and got loaded and stuffed my feelings for many years and a lot happened during that time. she reminded me that i was a really smart and good kid, and that i have always been sensitive and a little fragile.

"you are a singer honey, and an artist, and your feelings are just right under the surface all the time that's all"

2005-04-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

last night, around 9:30pm, somewhere on the 5 between Sun Valley and Highland Park, after working a 15 hour day..something inside of me finally broke

i got home and picked up my journal and wrote 5 words

dear god, i give up.

truly. i'm done. i cried until i felt sick. i called juli and she said "dude, i told you that you were gonna have a nervous breakdown this year!"
we have a funny saying from some self help book or another that says
things are not falling apart..they are falling together

i went bed and cried and cried, i kept waking up throughout the night and my face was wet. i rolled on to my stomach, pulled my knees up under me, and curled in a ball with my face in my pillow i told god i was finished. i asked him to keep me company while i just fall apart. i asked him to help my heart heal. i can't do it anymore. i HAVE to give up. all of it.
i don't know anything anymore. i have to stop trying to figure it out. wondering, worrying, planning, thinking, fearing, obsessing, running.

stop. cry. breathe. heal.

work, friends, family, love, money, security...i give up. i have no idea what god's plan is for me and i cannot try to think about it for one more second or i am going to drive my car off a cliff. no fucking joke.

total surrender

2005-04-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

so i am "working" really hard at being comfortable again.
???
i feel like i have been confused for a while now and am trying to just BE.
i am constatly being reminded by people who love me after they listen to yet another round of me trying to understand/accept/justify.
is it me? am i just ungrateful? unable to accept? sit still?

what am i supposed to do? why am i barely meeting my basic financial obligations? i am one of many. we work really hard and it doesn't make sense..i started doing other things on the side, to see if it helps, to see what else i like to do. it is up to me to make change happen, i just don't know what that change is yet. i do know that i am worth the basic comforts of life.
a few years ago i was in an extremely painful living situation, i hid in my room and prayed about my roommates, i wrote in my journal and asked "what can i do to make this situation better?" i tried talking with them, being nice, being invisible, being busy, being available..i tried everything, except moving.
eventually i was asked to leave and i was relieved. best thing that ever happened to me. i see those old roomies around today and i am grateful i live alone.

i keep thinking "perhaps i am uncomfortable because i need motivation, otherwise i would be happy at a desk job forever" juli and i talk a lot about what would happen if we actually let ourselves be great and did work that was worthy of us.

really all of my energies and focus must be on God

then i can put more work into the evangenitals

two things that have not let me down yet.

*funny, i just wrote this then went into the kitchen here at work. a coworker was telling me a completely unrelated story and she said
"sometimes god gives you a push and you need to listen, you have to ask him to illuminate the path and then walk it"

i can change myself..others i can only love.

2005-04-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

i realize that i have only been posting once a month. that is about how often i have spent time taking care of myself as well it seems. i am tired and emotional and have the blues that won't seem to shake themselves. i have been mean to people around me and short-tempered with my job, bandmates, life. i am driving myself crazy and pushing folks away. i have been hating EVERYTHING for long periods of time and then happy for short spurts. this is what happens when i stop taking care of myself. my job can't fix it, my guy can't fix it, my friends can't fix it.

i have been told over and over..it is an inside job.

when i get like this i want to run away. go to my dad's house and hide..but my dad sold that house and i can't run. i have to stop and breathe. time to work. real work. inside work. spiritual work. writing work. physical work. work with others. get out of my crazy head work. back to the basics for me. i think way too much and i do not have the skills to fix myself. a little of this and a little of that. what is the magic recipie for health, happiness and wholeness? a trip to the beach and a yoga class with friends? a good cry? help an old lady across the street?

i am a lover, a creator, an artist, a crazymaker.

please god help me to just be.

2005-03-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

so the question i keep asking myself these days is this..
what is the root of the problem? what is the nature of my discomfort?

is it that i am talented, creative, smart, funny, high energy, magical, physical, and tactile..while i sit at a desk all day and wonder why?

i am not hard-wired to sit all day. i want to move, build, make things, teach, grow, talk, listen, laugh, create, heal, something!!!

i think "maybe if i make more $" or "maybe i should be more involved, more grateful, more accepting, more..."

there are no answers yet, only questions. i am trying to ask the right questions.

2005-02-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

my life is so good i am not sure what i have done to deserve it.

sometimes i forget that it is good. i think it should be different than it is and then i sit and really LOOK.

my heart is full of love. i have found someone who gives me exactly what i need and want. i am being given opportunities for change and growth. i am willing to look at myself and my life and see where i have been mean and stubborn and i can try to be a little better. i cry when i am scared and sad, and laugh when i want to. i talk to at least one person i love every day, usually more.

a friend has continally reminded me over the years

"it is a good life dear, unless of course, you have other plans.."

2005-01-29T13:08:00.000-08:00

alice lin once told me "you are very sensitive and fragile. it's okay, in fact it's really beautiful and people relate and respond to it"

i guess it is beautiful sometimes but today it is uncomfortable.

2005-01-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

my dad is moving. the nice thing about that is the fact that i will be able to visit him any time i want. currently to get to his house i have to either drive for 10 hours (literally!) or fly to oakland and then drive for 4 hours. either way sucks and i need to see him more often than two times a fucking year so i am excited that his new place is 20 minutes from an airport! just writing about it gives me a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat~the idea that i can go, even if just for a day.

the new house is in sacramento, which from my earliest childhood memories was a pretty uneventful place but a friend recently told me that sacramento is really beautiful these days. i like the idea of my dad being somewhere beautiful, although i can't imagine anywhere more lovely than mendocino where he lives now. i also like the idea of he and karen having more friends and places to go, they were so isolated in mendo, and karen likes to shop! i tried and tried to get them to move to LA, and they would but the business is still in the bay area so they can't be that far away.

2005-01-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

feeeeel good these days. my heart is full, i am a lucky girl.

doing brave new things, taking risks, putting myself in the line of fire over and over again, in public and in private, and loving all of it. i am working hard at not hiding, not being invisible, but letting myself be SEEN. not in that busy, running all over town kind of way..but really SEEN, simply as myself, through loving eyes~take it or leave it. once in a while the thought comes to disappear, to hide under the bed, or retreat into ice cream and movie land..
i remember when i went back to school to study music. i had to get up and perform every day and some days i would just go into the bathroom and cry because it was too much. as if everyone could see inside of me. a mixed feeling of fear, excitement, and like a hermit crab whose shell had been pulled off~nowhere to hide. at the same time it was like i had crawled out from under rocks and the sun was shining on and through me so brightly that it felt as if my heart would break wide open from so much love and gratitude. that is what performing is like for me on a public level and it is happening more and more.

on a personal level i want that as well.
not to perform, or hide, or run away but to show up and to LOVE, fearlessly,
as myself.
to laugh, and to be a dork, and to help make someone else's life a little bit better than before they met me.
i feel. deeply.

the other night juli and i watched spiderman II, we laughed about how important it is to balance. to be a hero, an example, fight battles, lead the way for others, ask for help and LOVE...

i am really lucky. truly.

2004-12-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

oh boy.
juli and i are gonna do it duet style tomorrow night..can you hear my heart pounding?

the sweetie pants are gonna give it up brutally. beautifully.

we are doing the love songs. the never before heard songs. the ones that even the boys don't know. the ones we do in the mornings over coffee and laugh at what lovely dorks we are. the ones that make me cry.

to defy all coolness, to open open open, sans sarcasm and dark humor, that is the objective. can we do it? can we show them how much we love them until even the blackest of hearts bleed?

to turn inside out~perhaps not fearlessly but in spite of fear.

show them what it looks like, allow them to feel what it feels like to feel.

i am thinking that it is nice to be among friends.

2004-12-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

whoops!
haven't written in a while..i have been relaxing more and as a result it seems i get more done. i'm not sure how that works but it does. it is sunday, almost noon and i am still in my pyjamas (i like that word..pyjamas..) drinking coffee and not much else, hanging out alone~my favorite only child pastime~i need a lot of time alone, i really like it. actually i am hanging out with the animals, miss kitty and juli's new baby tortises, who i am completey smitten with. those little guys fit in the palm of my hand and they are sooooo cute. i don't have a computer at home, so i hang out in jules house when she is at work and write on her computer.

got home at 4 am, yesterday was visiting..hiking..dancing. spent a few hours driving all over mt. washington with a friend who wants to move there, we had an adventure, my favorite kind of day..no plan, no direction..fun. then i went to a going away party for a friend who got into UC Santa Cruz, and then dancing with a fellow musician. he told me a story of someone who was really mean to a fellow musician at a club, disrespectful and public~kind of like high school behaviour. we stayed up late talking about how there are people in the world who are mean and insecure and abuse their power, but that we (evangenitals) try to be patient and loving toward them, they are tiny humans after all and know not how transparent they really are. i believe that is referred to as "staying on our side of the street, and keeping it clean" as well as "loving our neighbors"
juli and i are doing a show next week at the derby with just the 2 of us~evangina. i believe alanna lin has agreed to do a solo set with us, as well as my friend jaymee carpenter. then the following week brett has a solo show. we are mixing things up a little, meeting people, making friends, spreading out.
it is still really easy and fun.

2004-11-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

i just read brett's blog..

i love the idea of anyone absolutely love stricken with my stupid charm and totally off-key geekness~

the funny thing is that it sounds pretty close to home..brett elbowing me to stop messing around and act cool and me deliberately singing louder just to bug him and prove a point. poor brett. i am a defiant and obstinate only child and will forever be somewhere between 4 and 12 years old~devil's advocate is my FAVORITE game!
(i know you are but what am i???)

last night I was having dinner with my dad and my karen, they are in santa monica for a couple of days, and my dad said "well kid, you know what they say back in Israel.." and in stereo we both chimed in.. "fuck 'em!" and laughed.
i learn from the best.

2004-11-12T17:56:00.000-08:00

i am in love today

in

love

within, throughout, filled, overwhelmed, spilling over

today love is in me

last night as i stood at the door and hugged each person who walked in to the show i felt the power of what happens when people show up. show up for themselves, for their friends, for each other, for their city, for the music, for the fellowship, for the laughs and for the love of it all

about 4 years ago i took an african drum class
where i met my friends santina from hidden and sheila from the sajara uprockers
and we learned a nigerian tradition about thanks

thank you for marking your calendars
thank you for picking out your clothes
thank you for getting babysitters
thank you for turning off your televisions
thank you for putting on your coats
thank you for taking the risk and leaving your comfortable homes
thank you for getting in your cars/bikes/trains/buses/and on your feet
thank you for stopping for gas/food/money
thank you for braving the elements
thank you for risking possible obstacles
thank you for looking for parking
thank you for walking through shyness and social anxiety
thank you for coming up the stairs
thank you for saying why you are there
thank you for bringing your blankets, your friends and your hearts
thank you for showing your love and support
thank you for singing along
thank you for saying thank you
thank you for being there and
thank you for ALL that you show us and all that you are

you give us more than we can ever hope to give you

we love you all

lisadee

2004-11-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

John Kerry's concession speech..

Earlier today, I spoke to President Bush, and I offered him and Laura our congratulations on their victory.

We had a good conversation, and we talked about the danger of division in our country and the need, the desperate need for unity, for finding the common ground, coming together.

Today, I hope that we can begin the healing.

In America it is vital that every vote count, and that every vote be counted.

But the outcome should be decided by voters, not a protracted legal process.

I would not give up this fight if there was a chance we would prevail.

But it is now clear that even when all the provisional ballots are counted - which they will be - there won't be enough outstanding votes for us to be able to win Ohio, and therefore we cannot win this election.

'Thank you'

My friends, it was here that we began our campaign for the presidency, and all we had was hope and a vision for a better America.

It was a privilege and a gift to spend two years travelling this country, coming to know so many of you

It was a privilege and a gift to spend two years travelling this country, coming to know so many of you.

I wish that I could just wrap you up in my arms and embrace each and every one of you individually all across this nation.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart...

I will always be particularly grateful to the colleague that you just heard from who became my partner, my very close friend, an extraordinary leader, John Edwards.

And I thank him for everything he did... Thank you, John. John and I would be the first to tell you that we owe so much to our families. They're here with us today. They were with us every single step of the way. They sustained us. They went out on their own and they multiplied our campaign all across this country.

No one did this more with grace and with courage and candour that I love than my wife, Teresa, and I thank her. Thank you.

And our children were there every single step of the way. It was unbelievable. Vanessa, Alex, Chris, Andre and John from my family. And Elizabeth Edwards, who is so remarkable and so strong and so smart. And Johnny and Cate, who went out there on her own, just like my daughters did, and also Emma Claire and Jack, who were up beyond their bedtime last night, like a lot of us.

I want to thank my crewmates and my friends from 35 years ago, that great band of brothers who crisscrossed this country on my behalf through 2004. They had the courage to speak the truth back then, and they spoke it again this year, and for that I will forever be grateful.

Child campaigners

And thanks also, as I look around here, to friends and family of a lifetime, some from college, friends made all across the years, and then all across the miles of this campaign.

You are so special. You brought the gift of your passion for our country and the possibilities of change, and that will stay with us and with this country forever.

Thanks to Democrats and Republicans and Independents who stood with us, and everyone who voted, no matter who their candidate was

Thanks to Democrats and Republicans and independents who stood with us, and everyone who voted, no matter who their candidate was.

And thanks to my absolutely unbelievable, dedicated staff, led by a wonderful campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill, who did an extraordinary job.

There's so much written about campaigns and there's so much that Americans never get to see. I wish they could all spend a day on a campaign and see how hard these folks work to make America better. It is its own unbelievable contribution to our democracy, and it's a gift to everybody, but especially to me.

And I'm grateful to each and every one of you, and I thank your families, and I thank you for the sacrifices you've made, and to all the volunteers all across this country who gave so much of themselves.

You know, thanks to William Field - a six-year-old who collected $680, a quarter and a dollar at a time, selling bracelets during the summer, to help change America.

Thanks to Michael Benson from Florida, who I spied in a rope line holding a container of money, and it turned out he had raided his piggy bank and wanted to contribute.

And thanks to Ilana Wexler, 11 years old, who started "Kids for Kerry" all across our country.

'Greatest privilege'

I think of the brigades of students and people, young and old, who took time to travel, time off from work, their own vacation time, to work in states far and wide.

They braved the hot days of summer and the cold days of the fall and the winter to knock on doors because they were determined to open the doors of opportunity to all Americans.

They worked their hearts out. And I wish you, you don't know how much, that I could have brought this race home for you, for them.

And I say to them now: don't lose faith. What you did made a difference... Building on itself, we go on to make a difference another day. I promise you that time will come.

But in an American election, there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning, we all wake up as Americans

The time will come, the election will come when your work and your ballots will change the world. And it's worth fighting for.

I want to especially say to the American people, in this journey you have given me the honour and the gift of listening and learning from you. I have visited your homes, I visited your churches, I visited your community halls. I've heard your stories. I know your struggles. I know your hopes.

They are part of me now. And I will never forget you, and I'll never stop fighting for you.

You may not understand completely in what ways, but it is true when I say to you that you have taught me and you've tested me and you've lifted me up, and you've made me stronger.

I did my best to express my vision and my hopes for America. We worked hard, and we fought hard, and I wish that things had turned out a little differently.

But in an American election, there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning, we all wake up as Americans.

And that is the greatest privilege and the most remarkable good fortune that can come to us on Earth.

'Bridge the divide'

With that gift also comes obligation.

We are required now to work together for the good of our country.

In the days ahead, we must find common cause, we must join in common effort, without remorse or recrimination, without anger or rancour.

America is in need of unity and longing for a larger measure of compassion.

I hope President Bush will advance those values in the coming years.

I pledge to do my part to try to bridge the partisan divide.

I know this is a difficult time for my supporters, but I ask them, all of you, to join me in doing that.

Now more than ever, with our soldiers in harm's way, we must stand together and succeed in Iraq and win the war on terror.

'Our fight goes on'

I will also do everything in my power to ensure that my party, a proud Democratic Party, stands true to our best hopes and ideals.

I believe that what we started in this campaign will not end here, and I know.

Our fight goes on to put America back to work and to make our economy a great engine of job growth.

We stood for real change, change that would make a real difference in the life of our nation and the lives of our families, and we defined that choice to America

Our fight goes on to make affordable health care a accessible right for all Americans, not a privilege.

Our fight goes on to protect the environment, to achieve equality, to push the frontiers of science and discovery, and to restore America's reputation in the world.

I believe that all of this will happen, and sooner than we may think because we're America and America always moves forward.

I've been honoured to represent the citizens of this commonwealth in the United States Senate now for 20 years, and I pledge to them that in the years ahead I'm going to fight on for the people and for the principles that I've learned and lived with here in Massachusetts.

I'm proud of what we stood for in this campaign and of what we accomplished.

When we began, no one thought it was possible to even make this a close race.

But we stood for real change, change that would make a real difference in the life of our nation and the lives of our families, and we defined that choice to America.

I'll never forget the wonderful people who came to our rallies, who stood in our rope lines, who put their hopes in our hands, who invested in each and every one of us.

I saw in them the truth that America is not only great, but it is good.

So with a grateful heart, I leave this campaign with a prayer that has even greater meaning to me now that I have come to know our vast country so much better, thanks to all of you, and what a privilege it has been to do so, and that prayer is very simple: God bless America. Thank you.

2004-11-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

growing pains today. on the verge of tears. tightness in my throat.

what do i want? what are my goals? speaking up is not easy. sometimes the truth can feel threatening to others. trying to come from a place of love and honesty.
"this is who i am, these are my goals, this is what I would like to do with my life and my gift of music"

not everyone wants what i want, and i can either stay very very still or i can grow a little and sometimes that means shedding skin, which hurts.

i feel a new awakening, a new beginning happening on the inside, which is currently affecting my outsides. i am uncomfortable with the way things are and my changing is scary, to myself and others. i feel a new maturity coming, a new perspective and i have been given new tools.

change takes courage and faith and is messy at first.
i am willing to be messy.

(voted at 8:30 this morning, my polling place was next door and i went in my pj's)

2004-10-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

(i love that on the blogger program when i want to post new things, i click on create)

spent the day yesterday with my friend kenny, one of the sweetest people i know. kenny is a good friend and makes me laugh, we always end up talking about how difficult it can be to stay true to yourself in this town, and how rewarding it is when you do. i met him at his office in santa monica on ocean avenue, overlooking the water, and we went to get shiatsu massage at the tao healing arts center on main street, and then lunch at my favorite..mani's on main and oceanpark.
i helped to open a peet's coffee on that block in 1998 and used to be there every day, going back and forth between manhattan beach, santa monica and beverly hills. it was interesting to be back in the neighborhood. that job was the reason i moved to los angeles, it was my career and i was only supposed to be here for one year to open stores and do coffee tastings/culinary classes, marketing and trainings all over LA, then i was going to move back to oakland. sitting at mani's, where i used to have lunch every day 6 years ago, i was reflecting on how many changes my life has gone through since then and how things never turn out how you think.

lilly was the woman at the tao center who worked on me, she was very soft spoken and said had been working there for 12 years. i had been struggling all morning in my head with some frustration with events of the previous evening and it was nice to just relax and have someone "move my chi around". i am so grateful for the women in my life, like rocio and juli, women who try to bring 150% effort to the table. i am trying today to be grateful for people who are reliable and DO more of their share, rather than being angry and disappointed at those who DON"T. it is all a learning experience and hopefully the lessons can be more of the educational variety, rather than the painful one.
it is a choice.

2004-10-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

(forgive me, alanna muffin for cutting and pasting but i am so very lazy this evening and realized i haven't written..)

i have slowed down. i am trying to take a break from just plain old obsessiveness. i recently reminded myself that my life is fantastic, that i am truly happy and i am not missing out on anything in any department at all. i have decided to be grateful for everything and have faith that if there is something i think i need, that it will be provided in due time or i must not really need it.

i must admit though, today i feel a little frizzy and am fantasizing about some sort of make-over, but this feeling will pass. :)

last night i came home, lit candles all over my house, put on my snuggly pj's and read and played guitar on the couch for a long time. i didn't think i was missing anything nor was i lonely, this weather makes me want to squirrel away at home. i tried to get back into some kind of meditation practice, that sort of thing is good for high-strung puppies like me. juli has written a new song and has given me an assignment to co~write this one. she started playing it the other night and i just started softly sing/speaking under her melody and so far it is a good one. this one hurts though, i am describing what it is like in my head when i have no faith..

2004-10-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

i'm in a strange mixed mood tonight.
it's getting dark early and the rain is so beautiful and romantic.
i want to go for a long drive in the rain, an adventure somewhere new..and then cause trouble, mix things up a bit.

uh oh.

lucky thing i have rehearsal with the evangenitals tonight...

2004-10-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

i am so sleepy today. drained. my body aches.

still getting over the sickness.
as soon as i am done writing i will get into a bath.
in fact, anything i can think of saying at this point i have already said
time for an afternoon nap.

xo